KANPE, a new Haitian relief organization, are getting a hand from Arcade Fire. The band will donate match donations up to $1,000,000. All you need to do is text STAND to 30333.

Kanpe's partners include Partners in Health and micro-credit organization Fonkoze. Your $5 donation turns out being $10. Not usual for me to write something serious here...but...it happens.

WWW.KANPE.ORG

When I heard the Russians were spying on the USA again I not only had a warm, fuzzy feeling of nostalgia; I also felt relief.  I mean, the USA is still worth spying on!

Back in the OLD days even our friends spied on us. And, don’t get me wrong, friend or not, if you get caught spying  you should go to jail. The government seems to concur (ask Jonathan Pollard about it if you don’t believe me).  But then I noticed that these people were not being accused of being “SPIES” per se. The breathless news coverage would indicate otherwise and I first saw this on Univision so combine my abysmal Spanish with that network’s tendency toward dramatics and I thought Kim Philby had risen from the grave.

These people are accused of being “unregistered foreign agents”. Hell, BILLY CARTER was accused of that.  SO what is going on here?

Upon further (English language) investigation I noticed where these spies lived and who they were connected to. Then it all began to fall into place. Below I have compiled a likely list of aims and targets.

-Suburban yuppie spies? This must indicate the Russians are interested in the location of every Pottery Barn in the Eastern USA.

-Vladimir Putin really wanted the new iPhone early.

-Apparently, this group of super-spies were attempting to infiltrate another important U.S. network—LinkedIn (has ANYONE ever actually made a connection on LinkedIn? Wonder why not? Russian spies.).

-Gathering all the information they can to stop opening of Moscow Walmart.

-Not really spies but rather scouts for the new New Jersey Nets’ owner Mikhail Prokhorov. I am sure it has something to do with Lebron .

- Or maybe Dmitry Medvedev wants to buy the Knicks after Putin becomes president again.

-Once I saw that NJ Transit buses 11, 28, 29, 34, 97, 191 and 705 all ran through Montclair I realized one of the agents was trying to bring the all the Buses in New Jersey to a halt paralyzing commerce in the mid-Atlantic.

-Knew that planting a left-leaning Peruvian journalist in the USA would lead to immediate access to secret Pentagon documents.

-New York area provides access to the minds behind the U.S. economy which is the envy of the world, or at least of the world’s bookies.

-Nefarious plot to disrupt Nathan's hot dog eating contest.
 

There are a lot of reasons to hate mainstream sports: obnoxious greedy athletes, boorish drunken fans, greedy bloodsucking governing bodies that behave like a cross between Russian mobsters and The Catholic Church (without the molestation stuff) and the fact a warm beer costs $9 at the ballpark. The reasons vary sport to sport but one sport seems to rile a certain segment of the populace. That sport is soccer.

And no, the term “soccer” is not a term made up by Americans. The term was used back when, a hundred plus years ago, as the sports of rugby, American football and soccer/football were diverging. I suppose it took root here because the American branch of this sporting family snagged “football.”  Which was smart because soccer is a stupid name.

Mainly THAT is the reason people don’t like the sport. It has NOTHING to do with the action—or lack thereof. I have examples as to why this is true. The people who claim to hate soccer watch sports that are WAY more tedious.

Some Americans rant on and on about how they despise soccer. They are more proud of the fact that they do not care for soccer than they are of their children. Fat men who can barely get up a flight of stairs call it a “girls sport.”

More telling they call soccer boring and then the watch a BASEBALL game. I think baseball is sort of dull but don’t feel the need to tell everyone I meet about how boring it is during the World Series. I am not PROUD of the fact that I think it is boring. A baseball game is basically UNLIMITED in how long it can run. I have sat there for FOUR hours watching grass grow. And speaking of “girl’s sports”; they stop playing when it RAINS…

“ooh…ohhh...RAIN…I am MEELLTING”

Sissys.

Other individuals dub soccer boring and then watch golf.

There is nothing more boring than golf. Nothing. I would rather watch a ten hour, one-camera documentary on the economic history of the Balkans,in Serbo-Croation without subtitles, than watch any segment of any golf match ever.

If you like golf. You should have your tongue cut out if you say soccer is boring. John Daly played golf. He won tournaments when he could barely get out of a chair. I think that is the reason fat, out of shape guys like golf. And don’t tell me about Tiger Woods. The first interesting thing he did in his live was bang a bunch of sleazy hookers.

Hell, some people hate soccer and watch NASCAR. NASCAR is a bunch of rednecks driving cars around in a circle for 6 hours. I can see that whenever I WANT. I grew up in Florida. In Broward County it is NASCAR. Drive into Miami-Dade and it turns into Formula One. It is not a sport. It is DRIVING A FRIGGIN CAR. WOOO Exciting.

I am not going to get too deep into American Football. I like American Football. But let’s be serious here, there are four fifteen minute quarters and the games take four hours. They have time outs for ADVERTISING. At least in soccer it is 45 minutes each way with a 20 minute intermission.

Now all this said, I think there are ways to make soccer more exciting. Some of my suggestions are inspired by other sports (like Hockey which is awesome) while other suggestions are inspired by Mad Max movies.

First of all, there is one thing that slows down soccer; players pretending they are injured. If a player pretends to be injured, he should be immediately examined. If there is no injury to, let’s say, the leg, then that leg should be immediately broken by officials. Even if a guy is hurt they should just drag him to the side and keep playing.

Next, defensemen should be able to carry spiked clubs. Why? Why not?

The goalie, before each game, should have to choose one arm to tie behind his back in order to facilitate scoring.

Soccer would also be more interesting if the players could fly like in the Harry Potter movies.

Oh and the “striker”? In keeping with the spirit of the game he should be able to strike other players. It seems only fair.

Oh and the group round with its point system and plethora of ties? Forget that. No ties! Shootouts! I do not mean soccer shoot-outs. I mean ACTUAL shoot outs.

There is no reason to hate soccer (except Americans who root for England. It is ok to hate them. It is also ok, this year, for the Irish to hate the French. Apparently it is always ok for everyone from South America to hate Argentina). With these simple suggestions,and some introspection on how boring most of the sports we Americans love, even the dumbest meat head can come to appreciate the world’s most popular sport.

Normally you would not find me opining on fashion. As I type this I am wearing a pair of pants I bought off the sale rack at the Gap for $15 (the ones with a bunch of useless pockets) and an old, long sleeved t-shirt featuring the logo of a band I don’t even like. More frequently I am found wearing jeans I bought at a thrift store for $4 and shirts I have owned for 15 years. This is not going to stop me. 

After watching several guys, at a bar last night, walk by wearing the uniform of the new hipster, I asked two of my friends the same favor; “If I ever wear a rumpled fedora please, PLEASE, punch me right in the face.” I mean it. And the invitation is open to everyone. BAM, right in the face. IN fact I say you should just do it to anyone under the age of 50 who is not a mobster that you see wearing a fedora. If they have on such a hat and an old filling station shirt they are fair game.

I also have started to notice a load of people getting neck tattoos. I am fine with tattoos. It is just that there are certain people who think tattoos are not adornments for their body but for their soul, their lack of personality or anything interesting beneath their inked skin. And to STAND out you cannot get tattoos like everyone else. You cannot focus on the QUALITY of the tattoo artist. No, you need to get tattoos on places where it is generally not done.

Specifically I am annoyed by the increase in neck tattoos. I am not against them per se. But if you have one you better be a bad mo-fo who got it in prison. And it better not be of a flower or a baby duck. It better be barbed wire or some snitch getting shanked.

I am not even going to get in the ever increasing trend of 20-something women and their “chest tattoos”. Time will teach them that lesson without my input.

One last note of things to not do. Men, never wear low rise jeans. Ever.  Maybe if you are a male prostitute but even then I say it is iffy. If any male prostitutes want to contest this issue with me I am fine hearing from you. The rest of the male population--  don’t even think about it.

But beyond my gripes I have something constructive to say here; I want to enumerate some fashion trends that I feel would benefit mankind. Often fashion is just impractical.  Take ironing , for instance. I have never been able to figure out how to iron a dress shirt. They look worse when I am done that they did to begin. It is a pain in the butt and it also takes up time and precious electricity.

I suggest we all, as off tomorrow, roll all our dress shirts up in a fucking BALL and wear them as wrinkled as we can. It can be like all the dumbass teenagers in the past few years who wear pants nine sizes too big (and then try to pull snatch and grab robberies only to face-plant). THIS is a practical fashion.

One we could bring BACK is Don Johnson, Miami Vice era stubble. Why? Because I don’t like to shave. No one does. Screw shaving.

Also Fridays should not be “casual Fridays” but “pantless chaps Fridays” and it should be mandatory. Why? Sometimes I do not need a reason WHY.

I also hate to shine shoes. Generally I buy a pair of shoes and I wear them until they fall apart. Same with boots. I wear the boots til the soles wear through then I throw them in a corner and pretend I will some day have them resoled. Lets, right now, start the no shoe shine trend. No more, I do not care if you step in dog crap. No cleaning the shoes or it is a huge FAUX PAS.

I suspect I have more fashion ideas to come so stay tuned if you want to be part of the “in-crowd.”

1-Will someone please give Gwyneth Paltrow a sandwich?

2-Instead of going to this movie just crash a big-money corporate meeting. They have roughly the same entertainment value (but you get free cocktails at most corporate meetings).

3-Has Sam Rockwell ever been good in anything? (yeah, yeah I didn’t see Moon…but aside from THAT).

4-If you are going to play an ass-whupping secret agent, as does Scarlett Johansson, tone your arms a little. Maybe do one push-up. (she can have half of Gwynneth’s sandwich after that. I am sure she isn’t going to finish it).

5-Why is Samuel L. Jackson in this movie? Ahh I see, to set up ANOTHER movie and to wear an eye patch.

6- Mickey Rourke, obviously immersed himself in his role and is a great comic book villain. Therefore it is a SUPER great idea to keep his screen time to the bare minimum so Sam Rockwell can channel Paul Reiser from Aliens.

7-You can almost hear agents arguing over the background trying to make sure their clients don’t get killed off so they can be in Iron Man 3.

8-Seriously, Mickey Rourke is pretty great.

9-Does Gary Shandling have a pouch under his neck? What does he store in there? Old VHS tapes of The Gary Shandling Show?

10-Really? An Iron Man DJing drunk scene?

11-I actually got up to pee during this movie. I never get up to pee during a movie. I consider it a point of honor.

12-I kept thinking “Robert Downey Jr. really should have won an Oscar for Chaplin” as I squirmed in my seat.

13-Thor? Really?

14-I am charitable about super hero movies. Really, I am.

I applaud the State of Arizona for their new immigration law. Sure, it is so broad that it will stand up about five seconds in front of any sober Federal judge in the country but that is beside the point.

We need to get these horrible foreigners OUT of America. Arizona is just doing what all red blooded, light skinned Americans desire most.

Despite the inevitable appeal, and certain repeal, of this law and likely millions of dollars in costs defending it (paid for by Arizonans and U.S. tax payers) the politicians of Arizona have their hearts in the right place. The police really should be able to demand proof of citizenship from anyone. And we all know the police will ask people of Irish English and Nordic descent for their passports and birth certificates JUST as often as Hispanics and black folks. I mean really? Who would think anything else possible? This is the USA where all men (except gays) are created equal!

There are issues with this law, however.

One problem is that it only applies to Arizona.  Such laws need to be nationwide. Some might say law enforcement might be overwhelmed by the need to even-handedly ask everyone for documentation of citizenship. I have a solution to this; we all should be required, under law, to have our birth certificate tattooed on our arses. That way when a law enforcement office approaches us and demands our proof of citizenship we can just drop our pants.

This is convenient for everyone, except illegal immigrants and cops with weak stomachs.

Police officers could also “profile” (why is that such a bad word! Profiling is good!). Since namby-pamby civil libertarians do not like police profiling minorities in this case they could “reverse-profile”. They could identify those likely to BE American citizens and not hassle them. For instance, anyone who is morbidly obese is likely to be a citizen. They don’t do physical labor and stats show most Americans are gigantic. So if you are five foot five and go over 300 pounds you will not need to get your birth certificate tattooed on your ass. If a cop busts into a house and Fox News is on the television? They apologize and leave. If you are watching Sabado Gigante you should be ready to drop your pants and show your butt-certificate.

But really, when you think of it, even if we eject all the dirty, lazy immigrants who come here for our massive and generous welfare system (and, in some cases, to pursue white women) there will STILL be too many interlopers in the good ole USA.

That is why I am calling for the removal of  anyone whose ancestry is not Native American. If you are not a Cherokee or a Choctaw get on the BOAT and get back over the England. If you are not Sioux or Seminole? Sorry, your visa has expired. Immigrants ruin everything and must be stopped. Write YOUR Congressional Representative TODAY….Let me look mine up..hmm…DAMN! Luis Gutierrez! See immigrants are taking all the good jobs!

I have spent the past week and some change trying to come up with a specific topic to rant on. There has to be ONE single thing that irritates the hell out of me enough for me to make a list or just ramble insanely about.

Seriously.

How hard is it to get me foaming at the mouth? I get angry over tv commercials and old episodes of Star Trek. The problem is, however, that EVERYTHING is irritating me beyond my capacity to focus on any one of them.

First of all I have been obsessed with “respect.” Not respect as normal people see it. You know, how you don’t steal things from your friends and neighbors? How you don’t grope strangers on the bus or fart while at a funeral? Not that sort of respect at all but a the bizarre, mutilated concept that has seemingly permeated segments of our society (and no, as far as I can see this has nothing to do with race at all cause I have seen and read about from all races and every creed  this side of the Druids).

I have been reading a lot about people getting shot, stabbed, beaten and even killed over “disrespect.” Just the other day, in Chicago, an elderly, hard of hearing gentleman was shot because he did not respond to a 21 year old man’s request for…a dollar.

Naturally the disrespected young man had to bust a cap in the old man. His honor and dignity were at stake! I mean here he was, at his job begging like a bum, and along comes an old man who fails to acknowledge or praise him. BAM!  If you cannot get the respect you deserve, as an able bodied, gun-toting young man who CAN get respect? What is this world coming to?

I thought I would make a list up of things you do and do NOT deserve respect for:

 -If you are hanging outside of a fast food restaurant asking people for money anything short of someone actually spitting in your hair is not “disrespectful.” Hell, even spitting in your hair might be a relative sign of respect.

 - If you can successfully shoot an 84 year old man, from less than 10 yards away, you are, by Chicago low-life standards, a very good marksman (usually they accidentally shoot school kids) and are deserving of respect.

-I respect anyone who can actually keep anything from Taco Bell down.

-You do not deserve respect just for being old. If he were alive Mussolini would be very, very old now

But this is as far as could go with this. Something else wormed its way into my head.

The Catholic Church seeped in. How hard is it to find ANYTHING funny about the Catholic Church? All I could think about was the photo of one of the popes during World War II giving the Fascist salute in front of a bunch of Germans. Now, admittedly, those popes were in a bit of a spot…oh and they were Fascists. But even SO, I can cut them a little more slack that the current pope.

As Stalin put it succinctly; “How many divisions has the pope got?” Not-a-one. Yet how many troops does it require to EXHIBIT BASIC DECENCY? What does the Holy Church do when confronted with 40 plus years of abuse of children? It attacks the media like it some football player who got caught with a hooker. It talks about how IT is being attacked after every new piece of evidence.  A group of grown men who wear pointy hats and dresses react with incredulity that SOME PORTION ofa large group of men who forswear sex for their entire lives might have SOMETHING odd about them? I know it is a GIANT leap. But everyone knows they knew. The baffling thing is that there is one, single person who still goes anywhere near a church.

Then, just the other day, they issued a statement ordering bishop to report cases WHERE THE LAW REQUIRES IT and assist authorities. This would totally exonerate the Holy Church if this were 1960. These people actually claim to be the representatives of God on earth?  They better pray he isn’t the pissed off, angry God of the Old Testament or Tiber is going to be full of toads any day now.

To top all THIS off Sarah Palin made comments on Nuclear policy. That is a joke right there but really is she any worse than any of the other commentators out there jabbering and jabbering.  And yet I cannot get any of my OWN jabbering going.

Sarah’s jabbering, somehow, started me thinking about MAD (not the drunk driving thing….but Mutally Assured Destruction) and how it ACTUALLY WORKED.  You don’t think so Brother Love?  So when was that  thermonuclear war? Wasn’t one, was there? No, you didn’t miss it ‘cause you took a really fearsome bong hit.

It never happened.

That led me to try to come up with a list of things that were actually good but had a bad reputation. You know, like Charlie Sheen. Ok. Maybe not Charlie Sheen.

So you can see I have been unfocused. I plan to do my taxes tomorrow. That should give me something else to write about, something I can focus on as my already scant bank account empties.

Today’s news contained a piece on Spirit Airlines. I have never flown on Spirit because some airlines just, irrationally, make me nervous. Admit it. There are “discount” airlines and there are DISCOUNT airlines. Brrr, they SAY airlines cannot penny pinch to the point of making flying into the side of a mountain inevitable but, hey, I remember Value Jet too well. They transported shit that BLEW up to make some extra scratch.

Regardless Spirit jumped to the very head of the class today with the announcement that they would charge $45 for a CARRY on bag. Not extra checked luggage, not if your suitcase is full of 200 pounds of bricks you took from the wreckage of old Yankee Stadium but just an average old carry on.

I figure this doesn’t go far enough. The cash strapped airlines have been letting their customers freeload for far, far too long. They need to start charging for amenities and services.

For instance,  It is very inconvenient for airline employees when a passenger needs to go to the restroom. It should cost something. Taking a pee is NOT a Constitutional right. AND, toilet paper? That costs money. If you need any of that, another $5. If you are an investment banker who craps on a food service cart the rate goes up substantially (for those with short memories, this happened on a United flight a few years back).

Speaking to flight attendants. When you talk to a lawyer you have to pay. When you go to the doctor you pay through the NOSE. So WHY should it be free to ask for a pillow? Or silly questions like “What is that grinding sound?”

There should also be  a mandatory fine for anyone who says or shouts “There’s a MAN ON THE WING OF THE PLANE.”

What about Air?  That air is pumped through the cabin. From now on, you want air, you gotta show the money. I am not saying there would be NO air in the cabin! That would be ridiculous. There should be enough to sustain life but you want more than that? $20.

One of the greatest costs airlines face is fuel. And yet modern airliners are capable of flying for great distances without their engines. A few years ago a plane bound for France lost ALL of its engines and managed to land safely hundreds of miles away. From now on, about half way through any flight, the engines go off for an hour or so.

The idea that you are entitled to an actual SEAT is also preposterous. Do you have any idea how many more people you could fit on a “standing room only” aircraft?  Turbulence danger? Just tie everyone’s feet to the floor. They can also wear helmets (for a fee).

Passengers have been treated to a magnificent flying experience for years but let’s face it; passengers are ANNNOYING. They should have to pay for the flight crew NOT spitting in their hair as they board the aircraft.

And finally, back to Value Jet, passengers should also have to pony up cash if they want to be sure the airplane isn’t transporting used oxygen canisters or unexploded ordinance. It is only fair as times ARE tough.

Some time in the making Mapanare.us is a site on various aspects of culture that I put together. It went live today.

I have a LOAD of news stuff to put up here demonstrating both the decay of society and my prefrontal LOBE...I am even going to add a new section to this with some previously published humor next week!

Hugs!

Patrick

Over the past decade or so the arguments over gay rights have really heated up. Many folks, in their zeal to stop the rampant spread of gayness, have loosed some poorly worded attacks on homosexuals that ignore basic logic and lack the personal touch of a successful argument.

To help in this brave battle against the homos (they recruit children you know. I saw the recruiting station, it was in-between a Bed Bath and Beyond and a vintage clothing store in Wilton Manors, Florida) I am offering some talking points for the brave fighters against the homo menace. In some cases these are general points, while in others they are specific sentences you can use (these are in quotes), as is, in your arguments on the street corner, at your church or online….

General Reasons

-“When two men kiss I get a funny feeling down inside and have to go watch 300 again.”

-Two men being married is unnatural whereas it is perfectly natural for nine men to want to marry Zsa Zsa Gabor.

- “I could not get Harvey Fierstein to return my phone calls.”

- “I am tired of hating only Jews and black people and variety is the spice of life.”…oh wait, that sounds kind of GAY; strike the last part of that sentence.

- “I Really, REALLY hate that ‘It’s Raining Men’ song.”

- “I had a BAD experience with a ‘woman’ I picked up on Santa Monica Blvd.”

Religious Reasons

-Mormon and magic underpants are too tight.

-“Jesus did not like homosexuals. I am certain of this despite the fact that Jesus never even mentions homosexuality in the Bible.  Some QUEER obviously edited the Gospels.”

-Old Testament does mention a prohibition on homosexuality that must be played up. Feel free to ignore that it also says you should be stoned to death for not obeying your parents.

-Your former priest, now serving 20-to-life, told you homosexuality is a sin and you consider him to be an expert on the subject.

-Halloween is Satan’s favorite holiday. Who has the BEST Halloween parades and parties? You guessed it: homos.

No Gays In The Military

-In history gays always interfered with military success; such as when Alexander the Great’s bisexual army conquered half the known world. If it hadn’t been for those HOMOS he would have conquered all of it.

-Gays would never go for dressing in camo all the time.

-Gay bodies less efficient at stopping bullets.

-George Patton was not gay.

-Neither was Admiral Halsey.

-Not sure about the Duke of Wellington because he was British and they all seem gay.

-War hero, Leonard Matlovitch, recipient of the Purple Heart and Bronze Star in Vietnam, who declared his homosexuality in a letter to the Pentagon in 1975 was really just trying to get discounted Broadway tickets.

-Barry Goldwater once said that he didn’t care if soldiers were straight but only that they could shoot straight. Point out Goldwater lost the election in 1964 and it is Un-American to lose.