Love songs, you know the ones that always come onto the radio right after you get dumped, have always been a staple of popular music. When minstrels roamed the land many of the songs were about love. Every genre, everywhere, has a preponderance of songs about love. They may be sappy, they may be heart wrenching and they may be just plain dumb. All that is ok. But then there are the songs that are just plain offensive.
Often what offends me is complete disregard for reality. Take for instance the 70s hit, The Pina Colada Song.
Any woman, ANY woman, who showed up for an illicit liaison with another man and found out that the man in question was her husband would not, for a moment, think about her own behavior. She might reflect on that later but initially? Not a chance.
“I didn’t think about my lady…” says the song.
Well, buddy, you will have plenty of time to think about her in the emergency room. The only question is which utensil she would emasculate you with. Pray she grabs the seafood fork.
Anyone remember the song Afternoon Delight? I do not care what decade it is: 1970s, 2010s, 1840s, all you have to do to assure you are not getting laid is play this song. Just writing about it is like thinking about baseball or your grandma. It makes me think of an orgy of the cast of “Up With People” (come on, if you remember Afternoon Delight you remember “Up With People”).
Which brings us to a song that just HAS to be part of the discussion: All the Girls I've Loved Before. Of course, we ALL know how much any woman will appreciate being lumped into a group with other girls you've "loved" before. This song was made popular as a duet by Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias.Now THAT would be an eclectic collection of women, to say nothing of a unique collection of the varying species of crabs.
A friend of mine recently commented; Everything I Do, I Do It For You, by Bryan Adams "makes me want to punch someone.”
Me too, Bryan Adams. But really it isn’t offensive.
But lets get more modern.
Akon’s Sexy Bitch may not qualify as a love song by Afternoon Delight-standards but it is a solid modern example. I mean I was cruising Youtube for songs and there were a lot like this. I was far more offended personally by the liberal use of pitch correction than the lyrics myself. But then, I am not sure most women (women who are not likely to give you crabs) will find lines like “She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood hoe” endearing. In defense of Akon, he then states he wants to describe said woman without being “disrespectful.”
Fair enough. How does he do this?
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
That is, by most standards, pretty respectful. And I mean he does say she CANNOT be compared to a neighborhood whore (although whether that is a positive or negative is a matter of conjecture).
When looking for offensive love songs it appears to always be productive to have a listen to anything by Usher. I gave a listen to his track Hey Daddy.
This song is wrong on so many levels it is hard to approach. The entire concept of a woman calling her significant other “Daddy” is exhibit A. Creepy right? And when the song tells you to shake your booty in front of the neighbors so they can watch, I am believe said woman is getting pretty near justifiable homicide should she decided to light the man in question on fire while he is sleeping.
And women singers are not getting off the hook. Around 15 years ago the then teenage Alanis Morissette appeared on the scene with You Oughta Know. This song immediately became the theme song of every late teen/early 20s woman who felt they had been wronged by a man. In other words-- ALL of them.
I am sure it especially struck a nerve with those cheating with married men.
“I’m here to remind you…of the mess you left when you went away…”
Ok and I am here to remind you about the restraining order. It says you have to stay 500 feet away from me and my wife.
Cher's Believe is another, similar, tune. I actually felt good for Cher that she got a hit when no one would sign her or put out her record. And the song itself is, to me, most offensive for its pitch correction cranked up to vocal distortion heights on purpose. After all these years I am sure Cher can sing in tune if she wants to and takes some time. Maybe she had to get to an infomercial taping.
ANYWAY this song immediately became the theme song of every middle aged woman and gay man who felt wronged (again, ALL of them).
“Do you believe in life after LOOOOVE BZZZZ”
No, after love there is only certain death.
The list of painful, offensive love songs is unending. I may have to write about nothing but this and do it starting in the late 1800s. I am sure John Phillips Sousa wrote something about women inappropriately shaking their booty but I need to look into it before detailed analysis.