I applaud the State of Arizona for their new immigration law. Sure, it is so broad that it will stand up about five seconds in front of any sober Federal judge in the country but that is beside the point.

We need to get these horrible foreigners OUT of America. Arizona is just doing what all red blooded, light skinned Americans desire most.

Despite the inevitable appeal, and certain repeal, of this law and likely millions of dollars in costs defending it (paid for by Arizonans and U.S. tax payers) the politicians of Arizona have their hearts in the right place. The police really should be able to demand proof of citizenship from anyone. And we all know the police will ask people of Irish English and Nordic descent for their passports and birth certificates JUST as often as Hispanics and black folks. I mean really? Who would think anything else possible? This is the USA where all men (except gays) are created equal!

There are issues with this law, however.

One problem is that it only applies to Arizona.  Such laws need to be nationwide. Some might say law enforcement might be overwhelmed by the need to even-handedly ask everyone for documentation of citizenship. I have a solution to this; we all should be required, under law, to have our birth certificate tattooed on our arses. That way when a law enforcement office approaches us and demands our proof of citizenship we can just drop our pants.

This is convenient for everyone, except illegal immigrants and cops with weak stomachs.

Police officers could also “profile” (why is that such a bad word! Profiling is good!). Since namby-pamby civil libertarians do not like police profiling minorities in this case they could “reverse-profile”. They could identify those likely to BE American citizens and not hassle them. For instance, anyone who is morbidly obese is likely to be a citizen. They don’t do physical labor and stats show most Americans are gigantic. So if you are five foot five and go over 300 pounds you will not need to get your birth certificate tattooed on your ass. If a cop busts into a house and Fox News is on the television? They apologize and leave. If you are watching Sabado Gigante you should be ready to drop your pants and show your butt-certificate.

But really, when you think of it, even if we eject all the dirty, lazy immigrants who come here for our massive and generous welfare system (and, in some cases, to pursue white women) there will STILL be too many interlopers in the good ole USA.

That is why I am calling for the removal of  anyone whose ancestry is not Native American. If you are not a Cherokee or a Choctaw get on the BOAT and get back over the England. If you are not Sioux or Seminole? Sorry, your visa has expired. Immigrants ruin everything and must be stopped. Write YOUR Congressional Representative TODAY….Let me look mine up..hmm…DAMN! Luis Gutierrez! See immigrants are taking all the good jobs!

I have spent the past week and some change trying to come up with a specific topic to rant on. There has to be ONE single thing that irritates the hell out of me enough for me to make a list or just ramble insanely about.

Seriously.

How hard is it to get me foaming at the mouth? I get angry over tv commercials and old episodes of Star Trek. The problem is, however, that EVERYTHING is irritating me beyond my capacity to focus on any one of them.

First of all I have been obsessed with “respect.” Not respect as normal people see it. You know, how you don’t steal things from your friends and neighbors? How you don’t grope strangers on the bus or fart while at a funeral? Not that sort of respect at all but a the bizarre, mutilated concept that has seemingly permeated segments of our society (and no, as far as I can see this has nothing to do with race at all cause I have seen and read about from all races and every creed  this side of the Druids).

I have been reading a lot about people getting shot, stabbed, beaten and even killed over “disrespect.” Just the other day, in Chicago, an elderly, hard of hearing gentleman was shot because he did not respond to a 21 year old man’s request for…a dollar.

Naturally the disrespected young man had to bust a cap in the old man. His honor and dignity were at stake! I mean here he was, at his job begging like a bum, and along comes an old man who fails to acknowledge or praise him. BAM!  If you cannot get the respect you deserve, as an able bodied, gun-toting young man who CAN get respect? What is this world coming to?

I thought I would make a list up of things you do and do NOT deserve respect for:

 -If you are hanging outside of a fast food restaurant asking people for money anything short of someone actually spitting in your hair is not “disrespectful.” Hell, even spitting in your hair might be a relative sign of respect.

 - If you can successfully shoot an 84 year old man, from less than 10 yards away, you are, by Chicago low-life standards, a very good marksman (usually they accidentally shoot school kids) and are deserving of respect.

-I respect anyone who can actually keep anything from Taco Bell down.

-You do not deserve respect just for being old. If he were alive Mussolini would be very, very old now

But this is as far as could go with this. Something else wormed its way into my head.

The Catholic Church seeped in. How hard is it to find ANYTHING funny about the Catholic Church? All I could think about was the photo of one of the popes during World War II giving the Fascist salute in front of a bunch of Germans. Now, admittedly, those popes were in a bit of a spot…oh and they were Fascists. But even SO, I can cut them a little more slack that the current pope.

As Stalin put it succinctly; “How many divisions has the pope got?” Not-a-one. Yet how many troops does it require to EXHIBIT BASIC DECENCY? What does the Holy Church do when confronted with 40 plus years of abuse of children? It attacks the media like it some football player who got caught with a hooker. It talks about how IT is being attacked after every new piece of evidence.  A group of grown men who wear pointy hats and dresses react with incredulity that SOME PORTION ofa large group of men who forswear sex for their entire lives might have SOMETHING odd about them? I know it is a GIANT leap. But everyone knows they knew. The baffling thing is that there is one, single person who still goes anywhere near a church.

Then, just the other day, they issued a statement ordering bishop to report cases WHERE THE LAW REQUIRES IT and assist authorities. This would totally exonerate the Holy Church if this were 1960. These people actually claim to be the representatives of God on earth?  They better pray he isn’t the pissed off, angry God of the Old Testament or Tiber is going to be full of toads any day now.

To top all THIS off Sarah Palin made comments on Nuclear policy. That is a joke right there but really is she any worse than any of the other commentators out there jabbering and jabbering.  And yet I cannot get any of my OWN jabbering going.

Sarah’s jabbering, somehow, started me thinking about MAD (not the drunk driving thing….but Mutally Assured Destruction) and how it ACTUALLY WORKED.  You don’t think so Brother Love?  So when was that  thermonuclear war? Wasn’t one, was there? No, you didn’t miss it ‘cause you took a really fearsome bong hit.

It never happened.

That led me to try to come up with a list of things that were actually good but had a bad reputation. You know, like Charlie Sheen. Ok. Maybe not Charlie Sheen.

So you can see I have been unfocused. I plan to do my taxes tomorrow. That should give me something else to write about, something I can focus on as my already scant bank account empties.

Today’s news contained a piece on Spirit Airlines. I have never flown on Spirit because some airlines just, irrationally, make me nervous. Admit it. There are “discount” airlines and there are DISCOUNT airlines. Brrr, they SAY airlines cannot penny pinch to the point of making flying into the side of a mountain inevitable but, hey, I remember Value Jet too well. They transported shit that BLEW up to make some extra scratch.

Regardless Spirit jumped to the very head of the class today with the announcement that they would charge $45 for a CARRY on bag. Not extra checked luggage, not if your suitcase is full of 200 pounds of bricks you took from the wreckage of old Yankee Stadium but just an average old carry on.

I figure this doesn’t go far enough. The cash strapped airlines have been letting their customers freeload for far, far too long. They need to start charging for amenities and services.

For instance,  It is very inconvenient for airline employees when a passenger needs to go to the restroom. It should cost something. Taking a pee is NOT a Constitutional right. AND, toilet paper? That costs money. If you need any of that, another $5. If you are an investment banker who craps on a food service cart the rate goes up substantially (for those with short memories, this happened on a United flight a few years back).

Speaking to flight attendants. When you talk to a lawyer you have to pay. When you go to the doctor you pay through the NOSE. So WHY should it be free to ask for a pillow? Or silly questions like “What is that grinding sound?”

There should also be  a mandatory fine for anyone who says or shouts “There’s a MAN ON THE WING OF THE PLANE.”

What about Air?  That air is pumped through the cabin. From now on, you want air, you gotta show the money. I am not saying there would be NO air in the cabin! That would be ridiculous. There should be enough to sustain life but you want more than that? $20.

One of the greatest costs airlines face is fuel. And yet modern airliners are capable of flying for great distances without their engines. A few years ago a plane bound for France lost ALL of its engines and managed to land safely hundreds of miles away. From now on, about half way through any flight, the engines go off for an hour or so.

The idea that you are entitled to an actual SEAT is also preposterous. Do you have any idea how many more people you could fit on a “standing room only” aircraft?  Turbulence danger? Just tie everyone’s feet to the floor. They can also wear helmets (for a fee).

Passengers have been treated to a magnificent flying experience for years but let’s face it; passengers are ANNNOYING. They should have to pay for the flight crew NOT spitting in their hair as they board the aircraft.

And finally, back to Value Jet, passengers should also have to pony up cash if they want to be sure the airplane isn’t transporting used oxygen canisters or unexploded ordinance. It is only fair as times ARE tough.

Some time in the making Mapanare.us is a site on various aspects of culture that I put together. It went live today.

I have a LOAD of news stuff to put up here demonstrating both the decay of society and my prefrontal LOBE...I am even going to add a new section to this with some previously published humor next week!

Hugs!

Patrick