Over the past decade or so the arguments over gay rights have really heated up. Many folks, in their zeal to stop the rampant spread of gayness, have loosed some poorly worded attacks on homosexuals that ignore basic logic and lack the personal touch of a successful argument.

To help in this brave battle against the homos (they recruit children you know. I saw the recruiting station, it was in-between a Bed Bath and Beyond and a vintage clothing store in Wilton Manors, Florida) I am offering some talking points for the brave fighters against the homo menace. In some cases these are general points, while in others they are specific sentences you can use (these are in quotes), as is, in your arguments on the street corner, at your church or online….

General Reasons

-“When two men kiss I get a funny feeling down inside and have to go watch 300 again.”

-Two men being married is unnatural whereas it is perfectly natural for nine men to want to marry Zsa Zsa Gabor.

- “I could not get Harvey Fierstein to return my phone calls.”

- “I am tired of hating only Jews and black people and variety is the spice of life.”…oh wait, that sounds kind of GAY; strike the last part of that sentence.

- “I Really, REALLY hate that ‘It’s Raining Men’ song.”

- “I had a BAD experience with a ‘woman’ I picked up on Santa Monica Blvd.”

Religious Reasons

-Mormon and magic underpants are too tight.

-“Jesus did not like homosexuals. I am certain of this despite the fact that Jesus never even mentions homosexuality in the Bible.  Some QUEER obviously edited the Gospels.”

-Old Testament does mention a prohibition on homosexuality that must be played up. Feel free to ignore that it also says you should be stoned to death for not obeying your parents.

-Your former priest, now serving 20-to-life, told you homosexuality is a sin and you consider him to be an expert on the subject.

-Halloween is Satan’s favorite holiday. Who has the BEST Halloween parades and parties? You guessed it: homos.

No Gays In The Military

-In history gays always interfered with military success; such as when Alexander the Great’s bisexual army conquered half the known world. If it hadn’t been for those HOMOS he would have conquered all of it.

-Gays would never go for dressing in camo all the time.

-Gay bodies less efficient at stopping bullets.

-George Patton was not gay.

-Neither was Admiral Halsey.

-Not sure about the Duke of Wellington because he was British and they all seem gay.

-War hero, Leonard Matlovitch, recipient of the Purple Heart and Bronze Star in Vietnam, who declared his homosexuality in a letter to the Pentagon in 1975 was really just trying to get discounted Broadway tickets.

-Barry Goldwater once said that he didn’t care if soldiers were straight but only that they could shoot straight. Point out Goldwater lost the election in 1964 and it is Un-American to lose.

I started to write an piece on all the stupid things Republicans are saying (and doing) with regard to the new Health Care Law. I am not partial to either party really. I see, as most people do, a veneer of idiocy painted over both donkey and elephant that is disturbing.

That is why I couldn’t get it together to write something FUNNY on the subject. It was depressing to me, this lack of intelligent debate. It was like trying to write something funny about a guy strangling a sack full of puppies.  "There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year."

 These words came out of the mouth of the latest Republican nominee for the Presidency. In a related move he said he is taking his ball and going home.  There was a second sentence to this. I think it began; “Nanny, nanny boo boo…”

 " America has just witnessed an unconscionable abuse of power. President Obama has betrayed his oath to the nation -- rather than bringing us together, ushering in a new kind of politics, and rising above raw partisanship, he has succumbed to the lowest denominator of incumbent power: justifying the means by extolling the ends."

 These words issued from the maw of the former governor of Massachussets, Mitt Romney. Now another conservative, former Bush speechwriter, David Frum, opined:

 “Could a deal have been reached? Who knows? But we do know that the gap between this plan and traditional Republican ideas is not very big. The Obama plan has a broad family resemblance to Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts plan….” 

 No wonder none of the other 2008 Republicans wanted to pee next to Romney—not when this sort of dribble comes out of him. (This info comes from the un-sourced best seller, Game Change btw).

 So you see my conundrum. I promised to write something funny on the subject but isn’t this more distressing than a guy strangling puppies?  And forget about the words. Let us get into some actions.

 “Last night, against the will of the American people, liberals passed a bill to take over our health care system.  This partisan bill – which was passed without the support of a single Republican – violates the constitution and disrespects the legislative process,” said Vitter.  “That’s why the first thing I did when Senate went back into session today was file legislation to repeal this government takeover of health care.  This bill is unconstitutional, and the American people won’t stand for it.  And I will do everything in my power to reverse the damage.”

 In a related note, Vitter is also taking his ball and going home. Seriously, they are acting like they had NO CHANCE to have any input.  The aforementioned Mr. Frum notes that the current bill resembles suggestions put forward in the 90s (to counter “Clinton Care”) by the HERITAGE FOUNDATION. My LORD, those commie liberal bastards at the Heritage Foundation advocate violating the constitution and dissin’ the legislative process.

 See! Nothing funny yet. Therefore I turned to a sure fire fountain of humor.

Michelle Bachman apparently has introduced legislation (or said she would) in the House. I searched for a quote from Bachman. I love her. Her quotes are the stuff of legend. She makes Ross Perot and his “black-panthers-are-gonna-disrupt-my-daughter’s-weddin’” comments look lucid. How did this woman get elected? Seriously. There are some idiots, left and right, in the Congress but Bachman? Really? PLEASE, someone, give me a coherent defense of Rep. Bachman  Add to this all the tea bagging going on.  

After a number of Tea Baggers (I know, after someone realized what that CONNOTATES they stopped using the term…but come on, it is hilarious that people applied the term TO THEMSELVES so I am going to continue to use it) went out to protest the Health Care Bill. What they wound up doing instead was calling people “niggers” and “faggots.”  Now this isn’t the WHOLE group and who knows about how pervasive these taunts were. I wasn’t there. BUT this whole movement looks a little, shall we say, PALE to be considered broad based. In fact it looks about as white and old as a the audience at a Neil Diamond concert. Every whack job “I-used-to-be-in-a-militia” nimrod is the country is out and baggin’ it seems. The angry white man, with just a truckload of angst. when he sees all these brown people is wondering what fresh hell is on the horizon. Next thing you know their kids are gonna be listening to RAP music…oh…wait…. 

Minority Leader John Boehner tried to counter this outpouring of bigotry. But his choice of admonishments made me cringe. He told Republicans to “Behave like grown ups”. What is more “grown-up” than out and out racism! It isn’t like the Ku Klux Klan was started at a day care center. I am fairly sure Adolph Hitler was a grown up when he wrote Mein Kampf. Ergot a more correct admonition would have been; “For the LOVE OF GOD, stop being a bunch of racist fucks. You are making our party look like the party of Strom Thurmond. Oh…Wait…” 

Boehner then proceeded to give a speech full of insightful, thoughtful rhetoric such as a spirited cry of "Hell no!" I think he also made some sort of stiff armed salute and jutted out his lower jaw.  

One thing we don’t often think of is the cost of the raft of silly, unpassable legislation put forward by Congress members to pander to a small group of adherents. It is what Dennis Kucinich has made his career on-- “Give Baby Seals The Vote Bill” or similar gibberish)  In this case the likes of Vitter and Bachman (and I am sure Sen. Vitter might punch me in the face for including him in the same sentence with Rep. Bachman) are putting forward legislation to repeal the law just approved. So more time and money --all bills cost us money, even doomed ones--wasted on grandstanding. 

I have a suggestion. When a member of Congress puts forward a ludicrous bill, with no chance of passing, they should have to pay the cost of that bill out of their pocket. Either that or they should have to work off the full amount working in the Congressional cafeteria.  Or they have to wash tourist’s cars at $5 a pop until the debt is paid back.  THEN I get to another issue—symbols. I wish to ban the use of the “Don’t Tred on Me” flag by Fascists. I just do not want to see that flag unfurled by unrepentant racists, malcontented militias and apparently unbalanced members of the US Congress unaware that they, themselves, are not outsiders but, respectively,  members of  a very exclusive group of clubs:  nitwits, crack pots and another, more exclusive fraternity (and the term is used intentionally in all its connotations), currently with 435 members. Instead they can use whatever symbol Mussolini used in the 30s. I think it was a bundle of sticks.

Even worse, politicians from the past are chiming in. 

Newt Gingrich (will someone pound a stake through this guy’ heart, fill his mouth with garlic and then sew it up please) stated that Democrats had (and I do not have an exact quote here) destroyed their party like Lyndon Johnson did with the enactment of civil rights legislation in the 1960s.  No word on whether he started chanting any Tea Party-esque things at that point of if he was just making the sage observations of the sort that “elder statesmen” are prone to make. Likewise no word on whether he had a bundle of sticks under his arm. 

When I think of Gingrich I still cannot get past the man serving his now ex-wife with divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer.  It is somewhat apropos he is commenting here on health care. Can’t these disgraced buffoons just go away (and yes, I will say the same thing about Charles Rangel at some point when I take a hatchet to the Democrats).  I was going to get into what the entertainment industry (once known as the “news” industry) pundits said but it made my head hurt far, far too much. See what I mean? Hard to make funny. Maybe I should done something about the Pope. That guy is a laugh riot.

 

 

 

Recently I injured my foot. This is not scintillating information, in and of itself, but it did lead to me sitting in front of the television during the daytime. I do not have cable television, mind you, so no endless reruns of Law & Order for me. Nor was CNN there to spin the same news story over and over until even Anderson Cooper cannot get faux-indignant anymore. I do not watch Fox, especially not with a throbbing foot, as  I find Fox increases various throbbings in me and none of it ever seems to be a good sort of throbbing.

Instead I was treated to a series of Judge shows. I would like to comment on these but I couldn’t watch any of them for more than about 8 seconds. There were also several variations on Maury and some bald goon who has people on his show to threaten them. I lasted about five seconds on those shows.

But I lasted longer, in some cases in full-on-looking-a-car-crash-mode, watching old shows from the 70s (and some from the 80s). There is no way to make this into a coherent “article” type thing. Mercifully I have no editor here and I can do as I please. SO, below are some disconnected observations on television past.

Gilligan’s Island

The Skipper should really have his Captain’s License yanked. And Jesus, where did he hire that Gilligan idiot. He couldn’t be a Walmart greeter today.  A three hour tour from a tropical port--which means, at no point, is he more than a hour and a half from his starting point.  The man never gets further than 70 or 80 miles from home. He is also in what looks to be a sizable, seaworthy craft and yet he manages to run them aground and maroon them beyond hope of rescue. Not exactlyErnest Shackleton.

And Thurston Howell? If he is so damned rich, why doesn’t he own a boat? Seriously the boat isn’t better than a 55 footer. That is a sizable sum for you and me but some gazillionaire? Chicken feed. I am thinking the Howells are con artists or maybe he is a low-rent pimp.

I am not going to get into the professor and the others. Why the hell are they taking a cruise alone. Losers.

Star Trek

Despite all the freaky shit they see in the Universe Mr. Spock keeps going on about “logic” and reliance on  emotion as if some giant dude dressed up like a Greek god has ANYTHING to do with science. In one episode a hot young woman (played by LEE MERIWEATHER) kills the transporter guy. Scotty tells him something is wrong and Spock is all condescending about his being EMOTIONAL. It is a wonder the Vulcans managed to evolve into a bi-pedal species let alone master space travel. Pompous butt-holes, that’s what they are. I like the Klingons a LOT more.

They go on and on about how great the friggin' “Federation” is. In ALL the Star Trek series the Federation seems like some quasi-fascist version of the European Union. Their representatives are always douchebags who want to kill a bunch of people who live inside a giant meteor or take Commander Data apart. Screw the Federation...They suck.

The Addams Family

Carolyn Jones was pretty hot wasn’t she?

Police Women

This show is so boring I managed to fall asleep, with a broken toe and no pain medication.

Charlies Angels

Charlies Angels is stupid. Really, really stupid. And it isn’t really sexy or sexist. The men are every bit as stupid and stereotyped as the women. Seriously, who comes off WORSE, the fashionably dressed and tough young women, or the butler-like, sniveling Bosley? In the episode I watched, the Angels are rewarded with a ski vacation and Bosley has to go fix plumbing.  HE LAUGHS IT OFF. Personally if I am him, the wrench goes up someone’s ASS. I am going on the ski trip. Or send me to Hawaii to be on Hawaii 5-O, which is a much better show.

Charlie himself seems like a freaky, dirty old man. He is always with some girl who, from his voice, looks young enough to be his granddaughter. Never seeing his face just makes you wonder how deformed the man actually is.

Oh and none of Charlie’s Angels had a giant rack. Not even Cheryl Ladd.  So much for the sexist jiggle thing.

Rockford Files

How the hell did Jim Rockford survive? He NEVER gets paid. He also gets his ass beat all the time. Sure, he lives in a trailer but it is right on the ocean. I will live in a trailer right near any ocean, any day. If a hurricane comes, I will bring in a new one, what do they cost? Eighty bucks. Still, he really must have some sort of side-gig that offers decent medical.

Family Ties, Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough etc etc.

Why are all the Dad’s wusses on these shows? Seriously. They are always dumb asses until they have to give an uplifting speech to one of their retarded progeny. And why would the kids listen to some jag off who toasts his tie? Or cannot figure out how to start a lawn mower?  No wonder all the kids on these shows became hookers and dope fiends.

The Munsters

This show was on for THREE years? And they canceled the Night Stalker after ONE year? I know it was a decade apart but I must conclude people in the 60s were really, really stupid. Of course, I have never seen Celebrity Apprentice or American Idol so it might be possible to make a case for the intellectual acuity of the 60s television audience.

Happy Days

This show “jumped the shark” on the first episode. Oh yeah…you LOVE it! When is the last time you actually watched it? A whole episode, all the way through? Yeah, I thought so, back when you were eight. SO shut the fuck up about it being good. I watched an episode a few days ago. The only thing good about it is Ron Howard went on to direct Cinderella Man which is awesome.

Welcome Back Kotter

 I didn’t even watch Welcome Back Kotter and yet I can state, with certainty, that it sucks. If it didn’t what happened to Gabe Kaplan? If you say anything nice about him or Welcome Back Kotter I am going to chain you to a chair and make you watch The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh.

Good Times

Wow, it sure seems fun to live in the projects in Chicago in the 70s. And the apartments were really spacious! Why  the hell was John Amos on this show? Of course he split after a year, no doubt to save his dignity and kick Bruce Willis’ ass. If he had stayed on that show for ONE more episode they never would have cast him in Die Hard II or as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs on The West Wing. Esther Rolle,  she is from right near me (Pompano Beach, FL) and was in Cleopatra Jones! These two playing second fiddle to Jimmy Walker?

Hogan’s Heroes

The funny side of a Nazi POW camp! The only way this show could have been more offensive is if they had set it at Auschwitz and let Bob Crane show his home movies. Seriously, who were the psychopaths who came up with this?  This show was on for SIX fucking years too. To add to the pain Werner Klemperer’s dad was a famous conductor who was part Jewish and lived under the Nazis. Read his memoirs and then watch an episode of Hogan’s Heroes. You will have a hard time resisting the urge to throw up.

I cannot go on. I would have to get into Starsky & Hutch (yeah I know, you LOVE that one too, shut the FUCK up before I slap the shit out of you) and the one about the cowboy in NYC. It would be too much for my still fragile foot and my ever fragile vomit reflex. Thank god for today’s sitcoms and dramas. They may suck but none of them suck that bad (except According to Jim).

 

We need to undo all the cultural damage done by the co-opted Romano-Britain Holiday, known as St. Patrick’s Day. Initially I was a fan of the day because I believed St. Patrick invented whiskey. Apparently he did not. Ergo,I will no longer celebrate this holiday and I am changing my name to Yousouff (or Sean…I haven’t decided yet).

First thing we need to do is reintroduce poisonous snakes to Ireland. Every tourist should bring a cobra with them and turn it loose.

Next, go to the Irish part of your city on St. Pat’s Day, preferably a part full of folks really militant about their Irishness and do not wear GREEN. Wear an orange jumpsuit and a bowler hat. Don’t worry. You will not have any problems. If you are in Chicago you could have done this at the South Side Irish Parade but that was wisely canceled. Still, you can always wander around the streets in your Orange jumpsuit and bowler shouting “Bully!”

Next thing we need to do is stop the supply of green plastic hats. Somewhere in the world via some Al Queda-like network of terrorists plastic is being molded into these heinous, vomit-catching devices. The allure of these handsome fashion accessories is one of the reasons for the popularity of St. Patrick’s Day. If you see someone wearing such a hat drag them into an alley and pull out their fingernails until they tell you where they got it.

In some areas of the country St. Patrick’s Day is barely celebrated. I grew up in South Florida. On March 17 there is nary a green beer in sight. Why not? Immigrants from Latin America.  Most of these folks have come here legally which means they are just not coming FAST enough. I recommend you go to the Latin American nation of your choice and bring back anyone who wishes to come. I think Mexico is a good choice because Cinco de Mayo is an awesome holiday. It is about whupping France’s ass. I am also sure Chile has a Bernardo O’Higgins Day. He wasn’t Romano-Englishman; he was all Irish and helped the Chileans get rid of Spain.

Another reason to stop St. Patrick’s Day; Jameson’s Whisky is disgusting. I bet Bernardo O’Higgins didn’t drink that piss. Just say NO to Jameson’s. I know this particular point offers no real suggestion on ending St. Patrick’s Day. It is just a public service for drunks.

 

How many ethnic groups, nationalities, religious groups or people with the same hair color can you think of that get together, once a year and CELEBRATE the stereotypes attached to their group?

Do the Brits get together and act pompous once a year? Do African-Americans tap dance with watermelons? Do Chinese people gather on their New Year to drive poorly and have strong family ties? Do Scots come together to eat disgusting things and be cheap? Do the French, once a year, surrender to the Germans?  

HELL no.  Any of these groups would (except maybe the British who would chuckle at the joke and the Chinese who would be too polite) punch you RIGHT IN THE FACE if you suggested such a thing. But not the one group I am thinking of; full of stories, full of booze and full of shit, the Irish American, once a year pulls out the green plastic hats and the green dye that probably causes cancer or alcoholism and tears it UP.

The dumbass Irish-American’s even let OTHER people dress in green and get drunk on their friggin day? This is a travesty. It is like white people dressing up in minstrel costumes on Martin Luther King Day or African-Americans talking like Speedy Gonzalez on Cinco de Mayo. I say this must stop. St. Patrick’s Day must be returned to what it once was…unfortunately I forget what that was. I think everyone else has as well due to all the green dye we have ingested in our beer over the years.

I think it had something to do with snakes. Maybe potatoes?

Until fairly recently ( a couple of decades at most) the IRISH Irish didn’t much celebrate St Patrick’s Day. At least they didn’t celebrate with the same level of drunken debauchery that their cousins and compatriots across they Atlantic. So the name of the holiday may come from Ireland but it really has fuck-all-nothing to do with Irish-Americans. There is also something even more sinister and disturbing in this celebration.

St. Patrick is NOT Irish-American.

As a matter of fact, he wasn’t even IRISH. He was a ROMAN who lived in Britain who was lucky enough to be kidnapped and spirited away to the Emerald Isle. I do not think this British BASTARD who was dumb enough to get himself captured by the IRISH ( I mean come ON you have to be pretty dumb to let that happen) is an appropriate symbol for the distinguished group who do most of the celebrating; the proud, the senseless, the guys with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish  tattoos who have never graduated high school let alone even driven PAST South Bend. Having a Brit be the symbol of Irish-Americans is like having a statue of a war hero who surrendered to the French or a British Porno star! Irish-Americans funded the IRA blowing UP British things for decades.

I have a more sensible alternative. We should NOT celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Instead we should celebrate Colin Farrell Day. I have never met Colin Farrell but I know people who have. He is REALLY Irish. No one kidnapped HIS ass and dragged him to Ireland. The reports I have heard and stuff I saw on TMZ seem to indicate that he can put them away as well. So to hell with St. Patrick’s Day. From now on we memorize and act out the script for that movie where he’s in a phone booth the whole time (whoever thought that would be a good movie MUST have been loaded) or maybe we dress up like the villain he played in that dumb-ass  Ben Affleck super hero movie. Whatever! We will be so drunk we won’t even remember. No more green rivers!  Rivers of  our own vomit only! No more green beer! Guiness for everyone…

May 31 it is…Happy Colin Farrell Day to all!

Men

1- The ability to pee standing up. While women CAN do this it is not advised in most situations.

2- Women sometimes feel self conscious about the emission of natural gasses. Men are less inhibited.

3- No matter how fat and disgusting they are, men always have a good body image.

4- Can pretend they know how to fix things even when they do not.

5- Help save water by rarely changing, and hence rarely washing, underwear.

6- Without men, the Three Stooges careers would have been lamentably short.

Women. I do not put women SECOND for any symbolic reason (except that GOD did so when he made women out of a rib or so I hear)

1- Less nose hair.

2- Ability to tell which colors “go together.”

3- Understanding that hygiene does not mean “splashing water on armpits at bathroom sink.”

4- Strange, inexplicable ability to watch movies like “The Time Travelers Wife.”

5- Oprah is a woman.

6- Charlie Sheen not a woman.

American political discourse has become quite complicated. It used to be Conservatives versus Liberals. Conservatives were like Barry Goldwater and Liberals were like Humbert Humphrey. Regrettably those simple, comforting days are gone. To help navigate the various ideologies in America today--and I am certainly missing some--I composed the list below.

After reading this you will know all you need to know about the state of politics in the great US of A...

Progressive-

"I am angry. I have been fooled by the President. I thought he was going to shit gold and lead us to Shangri-La in his first year in office. But there is STILL racism and poverty. Boy am I ANGRY. I am never voting again and I am moving to Canada or Europe where EVERYTHING is great and all politicians are HONEST”

Middle of the Road Liberal Sycophant-

“But Obama DOES shit gold!”

Religious Crank Tea Bag Conservative.-

“When Obama talks about the poor he really means the Muslims. He was born in Pakistan and is in league with the Moon People. It says so in the Bible…sssssppppwwwwwssss (rest of quote obscured by drool pouring from mouth)”

Rush Limbaugh Conservative-

“I want the President to fail and Osama bin Laden to be successful, and likely kill thousands, so I can feel superior to my fellow Americans despite my very low I.Q.”

Fiscal Conservative.-

“I am disappointed that taxes for those making more than a million a year have not been abolished. If this were to happen money would trickle down to the underlings. Imagine a rich man pissing into a ditch. Eventually the urine will ‘trickle’ to the scum at the bottom of the ditch. It works like that.”

Socially-Liberal but Fiscally-Conservative-

“I want social programs out the ying yang. I do not, however, want to pay for them.”

Socialist-

“I want social programs out the wazoo. And I want Capitalists to pay for them. Of course we should abolish Capitalism which will leave us with no way to pay for anything. But then we could all hold hands and sing the “Internationale.”

Liberal College Student-

“We should ban all talk about everything I disagree with.”

Conservative College Student-

“Do you think this tie will help me get a job with The Heritage Foundation?”

Northern Liberal-

“Southern Republicans have ruined democracy because…hold on..sorry…have to go…Bill Maher is on.”

Southern Liberal-

(There is no such thing as a Southern Liberal)

Neo-Con-

“It is impossible to socially engineer a society nonetheless we should attack and then reform every other society we find objectionable and rebuild them in our image. That, clearly, will work as the USA is the world hegemon and always will be…ALWAYS….FOREVER .” (covers ears, shouts nonsense so as not to hear any potential retort)

Libertarian –

“The government does not have the right to issue drivers licenses. Or regulate the possession of nuclear arms by private citizens. And I am not wearing any underpants.”

Independent-

“I just don’t want to vote in the primaries.”

Originally published July 1, 2009
1-When the empire builds a planet destroying behemoth they did not call it the “Peace Star” or the “Deterrence Star”. There are no spin doctors in the Star Wars Universe. They call it the DEATH Star. Refreshing candor from the Empire.

2-If you chop someone’s arm off in a bar fight no one gives a shit so long as you leave a nice tip.

3-They are very liberated and unashamed of their bodies. The Wookies run around pretty much butt-naked. In our Puritan Society this is also refreshing (must be especially refreshing on hot planets when you are that hairy). It also sort of reminds me of some of the hairy dudes I have seen at Gay Pride Parades. “We’re HERE, we’re EIGHT FUCKING FEET TALL and we’re QUEER. Get USED to it!”

4-There are no barriers against the handicapped in the Star Wars Universe. Darth Vader had both his legs and one arm lopped off (and was horribly burned) and yet he is the Emperors go-to guy. And what about Jabba the Hut?  Morbidly obese and yet he rules like a king. The Americans with Disabilities Act would be unnecessary in the Star Wars Universe.

5-The bad guys wear some sort of body armor but you can shoot right through it anyway.

6-The evil empire have armies of robots. But they are stupid and really easy to destroy unlike the armies of robots in our universe.

7-They do not have to drink their own recycled sweat and urine. Oh, wait, that is why the Star Wars Universe is better than the Dune Universe. Or come to think of it, why OUR universe is better than the Dune Universe. The Dune Universe sucks.

8-You can wear a cape in the Star Wars Universe without feeling self conscious.

9-You can says shit like “May the Force be with you” and not get punched in the face.

10-There are really tall ethnically offensive characters who prattle on and on about trade treaties…Wait that is a reason why OUR universe is BETTER than the Star Wars Universe. We do not have those things, or we only have them when there is a conference at Davos.

11-After you die you get to come back as a shiny, see-through version of yourself and smile beneficently at your progeny.

12-There is no reality television in the Star Wars Universe.

(originally published June 8, 2009)

1-Do not fire all of your writers and then wonder why fewer people buy your paper.

2-Do not let people comment on articles. They are the same individuals who call talk radio except that they are even more likely to electrocute themselves trying to make toast in the bathtub. Most often their wisdom consists of thinly veiled racist taunts and insults to one anothers sexual habits. This is especially peculiar because they live in their mom's basement, have no sex lives , are typing their comments with greasy fingers and wearing a ribbed wife-beater covered with food stains. At the very least let journalists respond. THAT would be entertaining.  Blogs? Sure why not. Let them comment on the blogs.

3- Do not spend hours in meetings about Search Engine Optimization unless it is just a ploy to seem useful and high tech and save your job. SEO helps you trick traffic onto your site alright but it irritates people who are looking for a specific pastry recipe to keep getting Paul Krugman’s column in the top hits. It is annoying. Get people to come to your site on their OWN for fuck's sake. Like, people who want to read news? This brings us to

4-Stop trying to make your newspaper more appealing to  people who do not read. People who do not read….well…they DO NOT READ. If you want to cater to people who do not read then get into publishing coloring books.

5-Allow reporters to be drunk at work again. This might even convince me to become a “journalist” (when talking about me and “journalism” you always should use quotation marks for emphasis).

6-Stop quoting Rush Limbaugh or anyone like him (left or right). He is a member of the media, not the head of a political party or an expert on anything--except popping pills. If you need a quote from a fat-assed pill popper then call him or, actually, listen to his show since he doesn't give interviews and all the lazy-assed reporters who quote him are really just lifting quotes from his show (As an aside to anyone reading this. If you listen to Limbaugh just kill yourself. This has nothing to do with liberal/conservative stuff. You are an idiot and the world will be slightly less stupid without you). And you "reporters" go do some real reporting and stop regurgitating the wisdom of Limbaugh or Chris Matthews or the guy who used to be on Sports Center.

7-Sell a paper, any paper, to Shaq.

8-Make that opinion writer from the Washington Times learn how to tuck in his shirt before he goes on TV. Or make him do some sit ups or something.

9-Speaking of the Washington Times let Rev. Moon write some editorials if he is still alive. We need some straight up common sense these days. And giant weddings. We need more giant weddings.

10-Never allow celebrities to cover things. Ever. No. Don't. Stop. This is especially true if the celebrity is Sean Penn.

11-Do not let people who are self-styled experts cover what they consider themselves self-styled experts on--unless they are a self-styled expert on midget pornography. That is ok.

12-People care about the design of your paper about as much as they care about someone else's story about a dream they had in middle school. Do not pay a consultant a shitload of money to redesign your newspaper (unless you get a kick-back or a blow job or something out of it.)

13-Hearken back to the old days of journalism when William Randolph Hearst started the Spanish-American War. I suggest a preemptive attack on Canada. The war can be about fish or lumber or the sorry state of the Toronto Raptors organization.

14-More coverage of  John & Kate Plus 8. That is real news and coverage just isn’t readily available anywhere except in YOUR paper.

15-And for GOD’S sake cover the shit out of American Idol.

16-Oh and start making the bulk of online content for subscribers only.