American political discourse has become quite complicated. It used to be Conservatives versus Liberals. Conservatives were like Barry Goldwater and Liberals were like Humbert Humphrey. Regrettably those simple, comforting days are gone. To help navigate the various ideologies in America today--and I am certainly missing some--I composed the list below.
After reading this you will know all you need to know about the state of politics in the great US of A...
Progressive-
"I am angry. I have been fooled by the President. I thought he was going to shit gold and lead us to Shangri-La in his first year in office. But there is STILL racism and poverty. Boy am I ANGRY. I am never voting again and I am moving to Canada or Europe where EVERYTHING is great and all politicians are HONEST”
Middle of the Road Liberal Sycophant-
“But Obama DOES shit gold!”
Religious Crank Tea Bag Conservative.-
“When Obama talks about the poor he really means the Muslims. He was born in Pakistan and is in league with the Moon People. It says so in the Bible…sssssppppwwwwwssss (rest of quote obscured by drool pouring from mouth)”
Rush Limbaugh Conservative-
“I want the President to fail and Osama bin Laden to be successful, and likely kill thousands, so I can feel superior to my fellow Americans despite my very low I.Q.”
Fiscal Conservative.-
“I am disappointed that taxes for those making more than a million a year have not been abolished. If this were to happen money would trickle down to the underlings. Imagine a rich man pissing into a ditch. Eventually the urine will ‘trickle’ to the scum at the bottom of the ditch. It works like that.”
Socially-Liberal but Fiscally-Conservative-
“I want social programs out the ying yang. I do not, however, want to pay for them.”
Socialist-
“I want social programs out the wazoo. And I want Capitalists to pay for them. Of course we should abolish Capitalism which will leave us with no way to pay for anything. But then we could all hold hands and sing the “Internationale.”
Liberal College Student-
“We should ban all talk about everything I disagree with.”
Conservative College Student-
“Do you think this tie will help me get a job with The Heritage Foundation?”
Northern Liberal-
“Southern Republicans have ruined democracy because…hold on..sorry…have to go…Bill Maher is on.”
Southern Liberal-
(There is no such thing as a Southern Liberal)
Neo-Con-
“It is impossible to socially engineer a society nonetheless we should attack and then reform every other society we find objectionable and rebuild them in our image. That, clearly, will work as the USA is the world hegemon and always will be…ALWAYS….FOREVER .” (covers ears, shouts nonsense so as not to hear any potential retort)
Libertarian –
“The government does not have the right to issue drivers licenses. Or regulate the possession of nuclear arms by private citizens. And I am not wearing any underpants.”
Independent-
“I just don’t want to vote in the primaries.”
After reading this you will know all you need to know about the state of politics in the great US of A...
Progressive-
"I am angry. I have been fooled by the President. I thought he was going to shit gold and lead us to Shangri-La in his first year in office. But there is STILL racism and poverty. Boy am I ANGRY. I am never voting again and I am moving to Canada or Europe where EVERYTHING is great and all politicians are HONEST”
Middle of the Road Liberal Sycophant-
“But Obama DOES shit gold!”
Religious Crank Tea Bag Conservative.-
“When Obama talks about the poor he really means the Muslims. He was born in Pakistan and is in league with the Moon People. It says so in the Bible…sssssppppwwwwwssss (rest of quote obscured by drool pouring from mouth)”
Rush Limbaugh Conservative-
“I want the President to fail and Osama bin Laden to be successful, and likely kill thousands, so I can feel superior to my fellow Americans despite my very low I.Q.”
Fiscal Conservative.-
“I am disappointed that taxes for those making more than a million a year have not been abolished. If this were to happen money would trickle down to the underlings. Imagine a rich man pissing into a ditch. Eventually the urine will ‘trickle’ to the scum at the bottom of the ditch. It works like that.”
Socially-Liberal but Fiscally-Conservative-
“I want social programs out the ying yang. I do not, however, want to pay for them.”
Socialist-
“I want social programs out the wazoo. And I want Capitalists to pay for them. Of course we should abolish Capitalism which will leave us with no way to pay for anything. But then we could all hold hands and sing the “Internationale.”
Liberal College Student-
“We should ban all talk about everything I disagree with.”
Conservative College Student-
“Do you think this tie will help me get a job with The Heritage Foundation?”
Northern Liberal-
“Southern Republicans have ruined democracy because…hold on..sorry…have to go…Bill Maher is on.”
Southern Liberal-
(There is no such thing as a Southern Liberal)
Neo-Con-
“It is impossible to socially engineer a society nonetheless we should attack and then reform every other society we find objectionable and rebuild them in our image. That, clearly, will work as the USA is the world hegemon and always will be…ALWAYS….FOREVER .” (covers ears, shouts nonsense so as not to hear any potential retort)
Libertarian –
“The government does not have the right to issue drivers licenses. Or regulate the possession of nuclear arms by private citizens. And I am not wearing any underpants.”
Independent-
“I just don’t want to vote in the primaries.”
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