(originally published June 8, 2009)
1-Do not fire all of your writers and then wonder why fewer people buy your paper.
2-Do not let people comment on articles. They are the same individuals who call talk radio except that they are even more likely to electrocute themselves trying to make toast in the bathtub. Most often their wisdom consists of thinly veiled racist taunts and insults to one anothers sexual habits. This is especially peculiar because they live in their mom's basement, have no sex lives , are typing their comments with greasy fingers and wearing a ribbed wife-beater covered with food stains. At the very least let journalists respond. THAT would be entertaining. Blogs? Sure why not. Let them comment on the blogs.
3- Do not spend hours in meetings about Search Engine Optimization unless it is just a ploy to seem useful and high tech and save your job. SEO helps you trick traffic onto your site alright but it irritates people who are looking for a specific pastry recipe to keep getting Paul Krugman’s column in the top hits. It is annoying. Get people to come to your site on their OWN for fuck's sake. Like, people who want to read news? This brings us to
4-Stop trying to make your newspaper more appealing to people who do not read. People who do not read….well…they DO NOT READ. If you want to cater to people who do not read then get into publishing coloring books.
5-Allow reporters to be drunk at work again. This might even convince me to become a “journalist” (when talking about me and “journalism” you always should use quotation marks for emphasis).
6-Stop quoting Rush Limbaugh or anyone like him (left or right). He is a member of the media, not the head of a political party or an expert on anything--except popping pills. If you need a quote from a fat-assed pill popper then call him or, actually, listen to his show since he doesn't give interviews and all the lazy-assed reporters who quote him are really just lifting quotes from his show (As an aside to anyone reading this. If you listen to Limbaugh just kill yourself. This has nothing to do with liberal/conservative stuff. You are an idiot and the world will be slightly less stupid without you). And you "reporters" go do some real reporting and stop regurgitating the wisdom of Limbaugh or Chris Matthews or the guy who used to be on Sports Center.
7-Sell a paper, any paper, to Shaq.
8-Make that opinion writer from the Washington Times learn how to tuck in his shirt before he goes on TV. Or make him do some sit ups or something.
9-Speaking of the Washington Times let Rev. Moon write some editorials if he is still alive. We need some straight up common sense these days. And giant weddings. We need more giant weddings.
10-Never allow celebrities to cover things. Ever. No. Don't. Stop. This is especially true if the celebrity is Sean Penn.
11-Do not let people who are self-styled experts cover what they consider themselves self-styled experts on--unless they are a self-styled expert on midget pornography. That is ok.
12-People care about the design of your paper about as much as they care about someone else's story about a dream they had in middle school. Do not pay a consultant a shitload of money to redesign your newspaper (unless you get a kick-back or a blow job or something out of it.)
13-Hearken back to the old days of journalism when William Randolph Hearst started the Spanish-American War. I suggest a preemptive attack on Canada. The war can be about fish or lumber or the sorry state of the Toronto Raptors organization.
14-More coverage of John & Kate Plus 8. That is real news and coverage just isn’t readily available anywhere except in YOUR paper.
15-And for GOD’S sake cover the shit out of American Idol.
16-Oh and start making the bulk of online content for subscribers only.
1-Do not fire all of your writers and then wonder why fewer people buy your paper.
2-Do not let people comment on articles. They are the same individuals who call talk radio except that they are even more likely to electrocute themselves trying to make toast in the bathtub. Most often their wisdom consists of thinly veiled racist taunts and insults to one anothers sexual habits. This is especially peculiar because they live in their mom's basement, have no sex lives , are typing their comments with greasy fingers and wearing a ribbed wife-beater covered with food stains. At the very least let journalists respond. THAT would be entertaining. Blogs? Sure why not. Let them comment on the blogs.
3- Do not spend hours in meetings about Search Engine Optimization unless it is just a ploy to seem useful and high tech and save your job. SEO helps you trick traffic onto your site alright but it irritates people who are looking for a specific pastry recipe to keep getting Paul Krugman’s column in the top hits. It is annoying. Get people to come to your site on their OWN for fuck's sake. Like, people who want to read news? This brings us to
4-Stop trying to make your newspaper more appealing to people who do not read. People who do not read….well…they DO NOT READ. If you want to cater to people who do not read then get into publishing coloring books.
5-Allow reporters to be drunk at work again. This might even convince me to become a “journalist” (when talking about me and “journalism” you always should use quotation marks for emphasis).
6-Stop quoting Rush Limbaugh or anyone like him (left or right). He is a member of the media, not the head of a political party or an expert on anything--except popping pills. If you need a quote from a fat-assed pill popper then call him or, actually, listen to his show since he doesn't give interviews and all the lazy-assed reporters who quote him are really just lifting quotes from his show (As an aside to anyone reading this. If you listen to Limbaugh just kill yourself. This has nothing to do with liberal/conservative stuff. You are an idiot and the world will be slightly less stupid without you). And you "reporters" go do some real reporting and stop regurgitating the wisdom of Limbaugh or Chris Matthews or the guy who used to be on Sports Center.
7-Sell a paper, any paper, to Shaq.
8-Make that opinion writer from the Washington Times learn how to tuck in his shirt before he goes on TV. Or make him do some sit ups or something.
9-Speaking of the Washington Times let Rev. Moon write some editorials if he is still alive. We need some straight up common sense these days. And giant weddings. We need more giant weddings.
10-Never allow celebrities to cover things. Ever. No. Don't. Stop. This is especially true if the celebrity is Sean Penn.
11-Do not let people who are self-styled experts cover what they consider themselves self-styled experts on--unless they are a self-styled expert on midget pornography. That is ok.
12-People care about the design of your paper about as much as they care about someone else's story about a dream they had in middle school. Do not pay a consultant a shitload of money to redesign your newspaper (unless you get a kick-back or a blow job or something out of it.)
13-Hearken back to the old days of journalism when William Randolph Hearst started the Spanish-American War. I suggest a preemptive attack on Canada. The war can be about fish or lumber or the sorry state of the Toronto Raptors organization.
14-More coverage of John & Kate Plus 8. That is real news and coverage just isn’t readily available anywhere except in YOUR paper.
15-And for GOD’S sake cover the shit out of American Idol.
16-Oh and start making the bulk of online content for subscribers only.
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