Have you been to a concert or festival? Have you become irritated by the people around you? Or, even worse, have you realized; in a moment of clarity, that maybe YOU were irritating the people around you?
In the former case you have met and in the latter case you may BE a concert douchebag.
Some would use the phrase “these days” when talking about concert douchebags but really this sort of behavior has always—or at least for the place 30 or so years—been with us. There are many sorts who can disrupt a concert. Here are some of these. More important, here are some solutions for the irritating behavior.
The Wanderer
The wanderer believes, with metaphysical certainty, that that place over THERE is WAY better to stand in than HERE. He or she has to get there—at any cost. Once there they determine that, in fact, by some quirk of fate this new spot is as, if not more, defective than the previous spot. Then they move again. This is repeated at least 30 times in the course of an average concert. In the process they spill at least half a dozen drinks, step on a couple of dozen feet and cause various fans to miss all or part of their favorite song(s).
Solution-Since there really is no actual reason for their motion, it serves no coherent purpose and follows no pattern, a solution is difficult to discern. Maybe cut off their feet?
Gigantor
Gigantor really isn’t a “douchebag.” He or she is just 7 feet tall and weighs 400 pounds. If they were at the beach they would block the sun. The problem is that they always seem to stand in front of ME.
Solution-There is no real solution to this in the current generation. But all you extremely large and tall people? Do your best to stunt the growth of your children; make them drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. This will help improve the concert going experience of medium sized people for generations. It will, unfortunately, fuck up the NBA.
The Beer Sponge
The Beer Sponge is similar to The Wanderer but there is a purpose to their motion. They move from the concert to the bar and back (and also sometimes to the restroom). They often weave through the crowd, beer held precariously in front of them, up high, spilling it on everyone they pass. When they get to their final location three-quarters of the glass is now on the floor, in people’s hair etc. This necessitates a return to the bar to get another warm, flat eight-dollar beer. Some Beer Sponge types are clever. They buy three or four beers to carry back with them. Of course, they spill most of these too. Beer Sponges seem to feel they have to stand REALLY close to the stage. They also are usually in the company of other Beer Sponges.
Solutions-
a) Stand near the bar
b) Maybe drink a little less?
c) Get really drunk before the show, pass out at home
d) Have drinks before or maybe after the show?
e) Alcoholics Anonymous.
In the former case you have met and in the latter case you may BE a concert douchebag.
Some would use the phrase “these days” when talking about concert douchebags but really this sort of behavior has always—or at least for the place 30 or so years—been with us. There are many sorts who can disrupt a concert. Here are some of these. More important, here are some solutions for the irritating behavior.
The Wanderer
The wanderer believes, with metaphysical certainty, that that place over THERE is WAY better to stand in than HERE. He or she has to get there—at any cost. Once there they determine that, in fact, by some quirk of fate this new spot is as, if not more, defective than the previous spot. Then they move again. This is repeated at least 30 times in the course of an average concert. In the process they spill at least half a dozen drinks, step on a couple of dozen feet and cause various fans to miss all or part of their favorite song(s).
Solution-Since there really is no actual reason for their motion, it serves no coherent purpose and follows no pattern, a solution is difficult to discern. Maybe cut off their feet?
Gigantor
Gigantor really isn’t a “douchebag.” He or she is just 7 feet tall and weighs 400 pounds. If they were at the beach they would block the sun. The problem is that they always seem to stand in front of ME.
Solution-There is no real solution to this in the current generation. But all you extremely large and tall people? Do your best to stunt the growth of your children; make them drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. This will help improve the concert going experience of medium sized people for generations. It will, unfortunately, fuck up the NBA.
The Beer Sponge
The Beer Sponge is similar to The Wanderer but there is a purpose to their motion. They move from the concert to the bar and back (and also sometimes to the restroom). They often weave through the crowd, beer held precariously in front of them, up high, spilling it on everyone they pass. When they get to their final location three-quarters of the glass is now on the floor, in people’s hair etc. This necessitates a return to the bar to get another warm, flat eight-dollar beer. Some Beer Sponge types are clever. They buy three or four beers to carry back with them. Of course, they spill most of these too. Beer Sponges seem to feel they have to stand REALLY close to the stage. They also are usually in the company of other Beer Sponges.
Solutions-
a) Stand near the bar
b) Maybe drink a little less?
c) Get really drunk before the show, pass out at home
d) Have drinks before or maybe after the show?
e) Alcoholics Anonymous.
The Yammerer
The Yammer cannot stop talking. They begin talking as they walk up behind you and do not stop for the entire concert. They may be talking to a friend or trying, in the midst of the show, to talk to someone on their cell phone at the top of their lungs. I once saw a sold out show by an acoustic artist where a group of young people (yammerers are not, by definition, young) talked so loud the artist stopped in the set several times to tell them to shut the hell up. When confronted, after the show, one of the young geniuses pointed out that THEY had paid to get in so they could talk as loud as they wanted. The logic is pretty hard to counter. I mean if you pay to go to a restaurant it is perfectly acceptable to take a shit on the table.
Solution- A pair of pliers and a sharp knife can be used to remove the tongue.
Mr. Festival Entitlement
Festivals provide a whole new sort of douchebag. Many festivals go on all day and some people stand near the stage or in the case of Lollapalooza in the VIP area right in the front for hours to secure a spot to see their band. There is a real live example of Mr. Festival Entitlement in the photo below. He staggered in front of a 5 foot tall woman and her kid's seats. What is more bizarre is he stood in front of a six foot seven inch behemoth of a man that could have popped his head like the big zit on the side of his mouth. He said the zit attracted the ladies (slurring his speech) but oddly there seemed to be no ladies present or even any male friends. He didn’t even seem to have any imaginary friends.
But Mr. (or Mrs. But it is usually Mr.) Festival Entitlement knows that normal people are not going to physically hurt him. They are the sort of people who, in middle school, used to talk tough when there was a teacher standing near enough to save them. As soon as they had bullied someone to the point of punching them they skitter away to safety.
The guy in the photo WAS helpful. He gave this sort of concert douchebag its name. As he stumbled off he mumbled something about “entitlement.” I.E. people who waited in the sun for three hours felt “entitled” and were oppressing him by not meekly letting him stand in front of them. Beer is often involved in this sort of douche's decision making process.
Solution--Severe head trauma is what will generally happen to this sort of douchebag at some point. When it comes to that he may save himself by peeing himself and crying. But a better solution is to tell him that you love him and ask him to be friends. Since he likely has none this will frighten and confuse him. He will skitter away like he did in middle school.
The Yammer cannot stop talking. They begin talking as they walk up behind you and do not stop for the entire concert. They may be talking to a friend or trying, in the midst of the show, to talk to someone on their cell phone at the top of their lungs. I once saw a sold out show by an acoustic artist where a group of young people (yammerers are not, by definition, young) talked so loud the artist stopped in the set several times to tell them to shut the hell up. When confronted, after the show, one of the young geniuses pointed out that THEY had paid to get in so they could talk as loud as they wanted. The logic is pretty hard to counter. I mean if you pay to go to a restaurant it is perfectly acceptable to take a shit on the table.
Solution- A pair of pliers and a sharp knife can be used to remove the tongue.
Mr. Festival Entitlement
Festivals provide a whole new sort of douchebag. Many festivals go on all day and some people stand near the stage or in the case of Lollapalooza in the VIP area right in the front for hours to secure a spot to see their band. There is a real live example of Mr. Festival Entitlement in the photo below. He staggered in front of a 5 foot tall woman and her kid's seats. What is more bizarre is he stood in front of a six foot seven inch behemoth of a man that could have popped his head like the big zit on the side of his mouth. He said the zit attracted the ladies (slurring his speech) but oddly there seemed to be no ladies present or even any male friends. He didn’t even seem to have any imaginary friends.
But Mr. (or Mrs. But it is usually Mr.) Festival Entitlement knows that normal people are not going to physically hurt him. They are the sort of people who, in middle school, used to talk tough when there was a teacher standing near enough to save them. As soon as they had bullied someone to the point of punching them they skitter away to safety.
The guy in the photo WAS helpful. He gave this sort of concert douchebag its name. As he stumbled off he mumbled something about “entitlement.” I.E. people who waited in the sun for three hours felt “entitled” and were oppressing him by not meekly letting him stand in front of them. Beer is often involved in this sort of douche's decision making process.
Solution--Severe head trauma is what will generally happen to this sort of douchebag at some point. When it comes to that he may save himself by peeing himself and crying. But a better solution is to tell him that you love him and ask him to be friends. Since he likely has none this will frighten and confuse him. He will skitter away like he did in middle school.
Mr. Festival Entitlement Douchebag
The “I Love YOU”
These folks are not really douchebags. They are just sort of sad. IF they shout“I love you” only once that is fine. If they feel the need to shout it repeatedly, however, they tread into douchebag territory. This would go for any incessant bellowing but it is somehow more annoying when someone feels the need to publicly profess their love for someone they’ve never met because that person plays the guitar.
Solution--Travel back in time and convince their mom that they are worthy of her love.
Mr. “I Must Get Out Of Here Early”
These are folks who feel that they have to beat the crowd out the door—even at the cost of missing half the concert. They also seem to feel that they have to stand right up front. After about five songs they realize that in another 8 to 15 songs (depending on the band) the show is going to END and there will be NO way for them to be the first to exit the building. They will not WIN. They will have to WAIT and slowly walk to the door BEHIND people. That is UNMANLY. Note, this is always Mr. “I Must Get Out Of Here Early.” Although he always seems to be dragging an a) docile b) pissed off looking woman with him
Solution--
a) Stand in the back?
b) Leave before show starts, it is the only way to be really sure.
These folks are not really douchebags. They are just sort of sad. IF they shout“I love you” only once that is fine. If they feel the need to shout it repeatedly, however, they tread into douchebag territory. This would go for any incessant bellowing but it is somehow more annoying when someone feels the need to publicly profess their love for someone they’ve never met because that person plays the guitar.
Solution--Travel back in time and convince their mom that they are worthy of her love.
Mr. “I Must Get Out Of Here Early”
These are folks who feel that they have to beat the crowd out the door—even at the cost of missing half the concert. They also seem to feel that they have to stand right up front. After about five songs they realize that in another 8 to 15 songs (depending on the band) the show is going to END and there will be NO way for them to be the first to exit the building. They will not WIN. They will have to WAIT and slowly walk to the door BEHIND people. That is UNMANLY. Note, this is always Mr. “I Must Get Out Of Here Early.” Although he always seems to be dragging an a) docile b) pissed off looking woman with him
Solution--
a) Stand in the back?
b) Leave before show starts, it is the only way to be really sure.
These are just a handful of the possible concert douchebags. Many more exist, as do variations on the themes above. These are just SOME of the possible solutions. Please feel free to offer your own.
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