The problem with “Afterlife” is that it isn’t bad enough. The plot doesn’t exist but it isn’t ludicrous. I want convoluted. I want complete nonsense. Twists and turns and characters who appear in the same scene wearing different clothes and with different haircuts. I want to walk out asking myself; "What the fuck was THAT".
The acting alsoisn't nearly bad enough Everyone is at least competent and possessed of the ability to deliver hackneyed pointless dialog with some level of enthusiasm and a straight face. When I go to see Resident EVIL I want BAD ACTING. I mean Lorenzo Lamas bad. I want the cast of the O.C. bad.
There is one exception to the tolerable acting in this film, the main bad guy (whose name I couldn’t even find on IMDB). Usually you have to watch a youtube video made by an 11 year old to see acting like this tuna tosses out. He wears sunglasses a lot. I figure this is because the director thought he would look more ominous and less like a constipated underwear model. He is fantastic,
His clipped, mannered speaking voice with hints of accents from around the globe makes Al Pacino in Scarface sound like an actual Cuban. He makes David Boreanz in Buffy the Vampire Slayer sound Irish. I imagine he came by these vocalizations after a conversation with the director that went something like this--
“Hey, do you think you could, I don’t know, try to sound like Hugo Weaving from the Matrix?” says the director.
“unnn uhhh…Keanu Reeves?” says stone-faced actor.
“No, HUGI WEAVING…the guy who says ‘Mr. Anderson’” all the time. The agent.”
“My agent? Huh? He is in Bermuda…” says stone-faced actor.
“No the computer guys who kill everyone, the guys in suits”
“My agent has nice suits….”
The result , at least in the first scene, is like a drunk frat boy imitating Hugo Weaving. Now I am unfairly impinging this gentleman’s intelligence. I mean you can be smart and a bad actor. This guy might be Dolph Lundgren (Masters Degree in Chemical Engineering).
ANYWAY. Back to why this movie isn’t bad enough. When you go to see a bad monster movie with zombies you expect fights, and lots of them. with zombies. There just are not nearly enough zombie-fights. Likewise, there are not nearly enough heads exploding or being lopped off. At least they do not add dialog, plot or any stupid ass love story. Then there are the zombies themselves. Zombies are inherently scary enough. You do not need to “jazz them up” by having some sort of squid come out of their mouth. Just let them bite and tear people apart like they did in Zombieland, EVERY Romero zombie flick or Shaun of the Dead.
Umbrella Corporation is also lame. Kill them off for God’s sake. Fight zombies, not guys with too much mouse.
The one thing that is bad enough is the 3D. It lives up to my expectation of badness, lameness, sheer cheapness and amateurishness. I expected better when the ads harp on “Real 3D”. Mercifully they were lying. The 3D is bad enough for a Resident Evil movie.
So do not go to see this movie expecting it to be hilariously bad and violent. It is just sort of ho-hum. And MILLA JOVOVICH IS IN IT. She is awesome no matter what. I love her and it isn’t just because she is pretty. Lots of pretty women annoy me. Have you ever heard her music? Her first album, The Divine Comedy, is genius (I am not being sarcastic). Initially do you know why I bought it? Because I read all the reviews that said “I took this review so I could make fun of her and I am mad because it is awesome.”
That is sort of like what I wanted from Resident Evil: Afterlife except that I hoped for awful and wound up with mediocre.