Patrick Ogle
  • Movies I have seen recently
  • Paintings & Other Art
  • My Incredibly Witty Observations

Resident Evil: Afterlife Just Not Stupid Enough

9/13/2010

3 Comments

 
Picture
The problem with Resident Evil: Afterlife isn’t that it is bad. If you go to see a Resident Evil movie and walk out whining about how it is BAD then you need punched right in the mouth. It is a RESIDENT EVIL movie. It is supposed to be bad.

The problem with “Afterlife”  is that it isn’t bad enough. The plot doesn’t exist but it isn’t ludicrous. I want convoluted. I want complete nonsense. Twists and turns and characters who appear in the same scene wearing different clothes and with different haircuts. I want to walk out asking myself; "What the fuck was THAT".

The acting alsoisn't nearly bad enough Everyone is at least competent and possessed of the ability to deliver hackneyed pointless dialog with some level of enthusiasm and a straight face. When I go to see Resident EVIL I want BAD ACTING. I mean Lorenzo Lamas bad. I want the cast of the O.C. bad.

There is one exception to the tolerable acting in this film, the main bad guy (whose name I couldn’t even find on IMDB). Usually you have to watch a youtube video made by an 11 year old to see acting like this tuna tosses out. He wears sunglasses a lot. I figure this is because the director thought he would look more ominous and less like a constipated underwear model. He is fantastic,

His clipped, mannered speaking voice with hints of accents from around the globe makes Al Pacino in Scarface sound like an actual Cuban. He makes David Boreanz in Buffy the Vampire Slayer sound Irish. I imagine he came by these vocalizations after a conversation with the director that went something like this--

“Hey, do you think you could, I don’t know, try to sound like Hugo Weaving from the Matrix?” says the director.

“unnn uhhh…Keanu Reeves?” says stone-faced actor.

“No, HUGI WEAVING…the guy who says ‘Mr. Anderson’” all the time. The agent.”

“My agent? Huh? He is in Bermuda…” says stone-faced actor.

“No the computer guys who kill everyone, the guys in suits”

“My agent has nice suits….”

The result , at least in the first scene, is like a drunk frat boy imitating Hugo Weaving. Now I am unfairly impinging  this gentleman’s intelligence. I mean you can be smart and a bad actor. This guy might be Dolph Lundgren (Masters Degree in Chemical Engineering).

ANYWAY. Back to why this movie isn’t bad enough. When you go to see a bad monster movie with zombies you expect  fights, and lots of them. with  zombies. There just are not nearly enough zombie-fights. Likewise, there are not nearly enough heads exploding or being lopped off. At least they do not add dialog, plot or any stupid ass love story. Then there are the zombies themselves. Zombies are inherently scary enough. You do not need to “jazz them up” by having some sort of squid come out of their mouth. Just let them bite and tear people apart like they did in Zombieland, EVERY Romero zombie flick or Shaun of the Dead.

Umbrella Corporation is also lame. Kill them off for God’s sake. Fight zombies, not guys with too much mouse.

The one thing that is bad enough is the 3D. It lives up to my expectation of badness, lameness, sheer cheapness and amateurishness. I expected better when the ads harp on “Real 3D”.  Mercifully  they were lying. The 3D is bad enough for a Resident Evil movie.

So do not go to see this movie expecting it to be hilariously bad and violent. It is just sort of ho-hum. And MILLA JOVOVICH IS IN IT. She is awesome no matter what. I love her and it isn’t just because she is pretty. Lots of pretty women annoy me. Have you ever heard her music? Her first album, The Divine Comedy, is genius (I am not being sarcastic). Initially do you know why I bought it? Because I read all the reviews that said “I took this review so I could make fun of her and I am mad because it is awesome.”

That is sort of  like what I wanted from Resident Evil: Afterlife except that I hoped for awful and wound up with mediocre.

Picture
3 Comments
tha dude
2/5/2011 10:55:55 pm

yeah the main villian is Albert Wesker, he wore the sunglasses all through out the games so that's why he wears them, jus sayin

Reply
Patrick link
2/6/2011 03:37:37 am

Ok. I now think that guy is a better actor since the guy in the video game wore glasses. The other night I was ashamed that I remembered the plot of the movie, "Orca" in great detail. You should be ashamed you remember this!!! Even if you played the game ten thousand times!

Reply
mike
2/2/2012 02:02:14 pm

If you think the movies were THAT shitty, which anyone with half a fucking brain would think are the worst movies ever made, you could only imagine what the people who have played and love the games think. The directors and producers and everyone else who keeps making these movies should be put to death.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Movies

    I don't think of these as "reviews." they may seem like it sometime but they are more just...impressions.

    Categories

    All
    2014 Best Picture Nominee
    Action
    American
    Animated
    Belgian
    British
    Chile
    China
    Comedy
    Documentary
    Drama
    Egypt
    French
    German
    Horror
    Independent
    Indonesian
    Iranian
    Irish
    Italy
    Lebanese
    Science Fiction

    Picture

    Archives

    February 2020
    October 2017
    October 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010

    RSS Feed