After watching several guys, at a bar last night, walk by wearing the uniform of the new hipster, I asked two of my friends the same favor; “If I ever wear a rumpled fedora please, PLEASE, punch me right in the face.” I mean it. And the invitation is open to everyone. BAM, right in the face. IN fact I say you should just do it to anyone under the age of 50 who is not a mobster that you see wearing a fedora. If they have on such a hat and an old filling station shirt they are fair game.
I also have started to notice a load of people getting neck tattoos. I am fine with tattoos. It is just that there are certain people who think tattoos are not adornments for their body but for their soul, their lack of personality or anything interesting beneath their inked skin. And to STAND out you cannot get tattoos like everyone else. You cannot focus on the QUALITY of the tattoo artist. No, you need to get tattoos on places where it is generally not done.
Specifically I am annoyed by the increase in neck tattoos. I am not against them per se. But if you have one you better be a bad mo-fo who got it in prison. And it better not be of a flower or a baby duck. It better be barbed wire or some snitch getting shanked.
I am not even going to get in the ever increasing trend of 20-something women and their “chest tattoos”. Time will teach them that lesson without my input.
One last note of things to not do. Men, never wear low rise jeans. Ever. Maybe if you are a male prostitute but even then I say it is iffy. If any male prostitutes want to contest this issue with me I am fine hearing from you. The rest of the male population-- don’t even think about it.
But beyond my gripes I have something constructive to say here; I want to enumerate some fashion trends that I feel would benefit mankind. Often fashion is just impractical. Take ironing , for instance. I have never been able to figure out how to iron a dress shirt. They look worse when I am done that they did to begin. It is a pain in the butt and it also takes up time and precious electricity.
I suggest we all, as off tomorrow, roll all our dress shirts up in a fucking BALL and wear them as wrinkled as we can. It can be like all the dumbass teenagers in the past few years who wear pants nine sizes too big (and then try to pull snatch and grab robberies only to face-plant). THIS is a practical fashion.
One we could bring BACK is Don Johnson, Miami Vice era stubble. Why? Because I don’t like to shave. No one does. Screw shaving.
Also Fridays should not be “casual Fridays” but “pantless chaps Fridays” and it should be mandatory. Why? Sometimes I do not need a reason WHY.
I also hate to shine shoes. Generally I buy a pair of shoes and I wear them until they fall apart. Same with boots. I wear the boots til the soles wear through then I throw them in a corner and pretend I will some day have them resoled. Lets, right now, start the no shoe shine trend. No more, I do not care if you step in dog crap. No cleaning the shoes or it is a huge FAUX PAS.
I suspect I have more fashion ideas to come so stay tuned if you want to be part of the “in-crowd.”