First thing we need to do is reintroduce poisonous snakes to Ireland. Every tourist should bring a cobra with them and turn it loose.
Next, go to the Irish part of your city on St. Pat’s Day, preferably a part full of folks really militant about their Irishness and do not wear GREEN. Wear an orange jumpsuit and a bowler hat. Don’t worry. You will not have any problems. If you are in Chicago you could have done this at the South Side Irish Parade but that was wisely canceled. Still, you can always wander around the streets in your Orange jumpsuit and bowler shouting “Bully!”
Next thing we need to do is stop the supply of green plastic hats. Somewhere in the world via some Al Queda-like network of terrorists plastic is being molded into these heinous, vomit-catching devices. The allure of these handsome fashion accessories is one of the reasons for the popularity of St. Patrick’s Day. If you see someone wearing such a hat drag them into an alley and pull out their fingernails until they tell you where they got it.
In some areas of the country St. Patrick’s Day is barely celebrated. I grew up in South Florida. On March 17 there is nary a green beer in sight. Why not? Immigrants from Latin America. Most of these folks have come here legally which means they are just not coming FAST enough. I recommend you go to the Latin American nation of your choice and bring back anyone who wishes to come. I think Mexico is a good choice because Cinco de Mayo is an awesome holiday. It is about whupping France’s ass. I am also sure Chile has a Bernardo O’Higgins Day. He wasn’t Romano-Englishman; he was all Irish and helped the Chileans get rid of Spain.
Another reason to stop St. Patrick’s Day; Jameson’s Whisky is disgusting. I bet Bernardo O’Higgins didn’t drink that piss. Just say NO to Jameson’s. I know this particular point offers no real suggestion on ending St. Patrick’s Day. It is just a public service for drunks.