Do the Brits get together and act pompous once a year? Do African-Americans tap dance with watermelons? Do Chinese people gather on their New Year to drive poorly and have strong family ties? Do Scots come together to eat disgusting things and be cheap? Do the French, once a year, surrender to the Germans?
HELL no. Any of these groups would (except maybe the British who would chuckle at the joke and the Chinese who would be too polite) punch you RIGHT IN THE FACE if you suggested such a thing. But not the one group I am thinking of; full of stories, full of booze and full of shit, the Irish American, once a year pulls out the green plastic hats and the green dye that probably causes cancer or alcoholism and tears it UP.
The dumbass Irish-American’s even let OTHER people dress in green and get drunk on their friggin day? This is a travesty. It is like white people dressing up in minstrel costumes on Martin Luther King Day or African-Americans talking like Speedy Gonzalez on Cinco de Mayo. I say this must stop. St. Patrick’s Day must be returned to what it once was…unfortunately I forget what that was. I think everyone else has as well due to all the green dye we have ingested in our beer over the years.
I think it had something to do with snakes. Maybe potatoes?
Until fairly recently ( a couple of decades at most) the IRISH Irish didn’t much celebrate St Patrick’s Day. At least they didn’t celebrate with the same level of drunken debauchery that their cousins and compatriots across they Atlantic. So the name of the holiday may come from Ireland but it really has fuck-all-nothing to do with Irish-Americans. There is also something even more sinister and disturbing in this celebration.
St. Patrick is NOT Irish-American.
As a matter of fact, he wasn’t even IRISH. He was a ROMAN who lived in Britain who was lucky enough to be kidnapped and spirited away to the Emerald Isle. I do not think this British BASTARD who was dumb enough to get himself captured by the IRISH ( I mean come ON you have to be pretty dumb to let that happen) is an appropriate symbol for the distinguished group who do most of the celebrating; the proud, the senseless, the guys with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish tattoos who have never graduated high school let alone even driven PAST South Bend. Having a Brit be the symbol of Irish-Americans is like having a statue of a war hero who surrendered to the French or a British Porno star! Irish-Americans funded the IRA blowing UP British things for decades.
I have a more sensible alternative. We should NOT celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Instead we should celebrate Colin Farrell Day. I have never met Colin Farrell but I know people who have. He is REALLY Irish. No one kidnapped HIS ass and dragged him to Ireland. The reports I have heard and stuff I saw on TMZ seem to indicate that he can put them away as well. So to hell with St. Patrick’s Day. From now on we memorize and act out the script for that movie where he’s in a phone booth the whole time (whoever thought that would be a good movie MUST have been loaded) or maybe we dress up like the villain he played in that dumb-ass Ben Affleck super hero movie. Whatever! We will be so drunk we won’t even remember. No more green rivers! Rivers of our own vomit only! No more green beer! Guiness for everyone…
May 31 it is…Happy Colin Farrell Day to all!