Correct Team To Root For...
“I am a big Twins fan and a 49ers fan.” said one guy.
“I HATE that, when people pick random teams to like.” said another guy.
“I am from ATLANTA. What am I going to be a loser for the rest of my life?” said first guy.
At the time the Atlanta teams did not seem poised for greatness. But does this mean you can just randomly PICK someone to be a fan of? Even if they are winners?
In any sport, you can only be a fan of a team you have some connection to: you lived there, your family lived there or you spent summers there when you were in juvenile detention. You cannot be a Yankee fan who has never set foot in NYC, or whose family has never set foot in NYC. There are exceptions, if Reggie Jackson visited you in the hospital when you were a kid and had your legs amputated? Sure, YOU can be a Yankee fan. Never been near Pittsburgh? If Mean Joe tossed YOU his jersey? Ok, exception granted.
There is a limit. In any given sport you can only have three teams and they must be clearly delineated as 1, 2 and 3. You can never root for 3 over 2 or 2 over one or, GOD FORBID, 3 over 1. The only exception is when all teams have been eliminated from the playoffs and draft standing is in question. Then losing is winning. You can change the order, maybe once or twice but if you do it more than that? You cannot watch the sport anymore.
For example, I grew up in South Florida but my family is from Pittsburgh. I grew up a Steeler fan and spent many summers in Pittsburgh being brainwashed my relatives (like in The Manchurian Candidate). Over the years I did, gradually, develop a liking for the Dolphins as well (with the Steelers remaining #1). Then I moved to Chicago, where I lived, off and on, for 11 years. I developed a liking for the Bears.
Different sports can indeed have teams from different cities but there should be some continuity. I don’t care about the Chicago baseball teams much, rooting for the Pirates or Marlins (a team that didn’t exist when I first left Florida but that has managed to win two more World Series in the past hundred years than one of the Chicago teams has). Rooting for the Pirates, when you do not live IN Pittsburgh can, however, be considered a form of insanity. When you grow up in Florida you do not have a favorite hockey team while you live there, even if you have Panthers season tickets. You are just waiting for the Blackhawks, Red Wings or Penguins to come to town.
In some cases you might be murdered if you are a fan of the wrong team. In this case it is unacceptable to turn on your team simply for your own safety. This is America, buy a gun and carry it under the offending sport jersey at all times. If you are in one of those states where they don’t let you carry guns openly then you can settle matters with a slap fight.
College sports, especially football, are more complicated and beyond the purview of this article. But there are a few things that must be noted; You may root for a team from your region if you didn’t go the school. You may root for other teams to beat a hated rival. You cannot root for Notre Dame, even if you go there. And if you didn’t go there and have the Fighting Irish symbol tattooed on you, that appendage should be hacked off. You also should not root for any team coached by USC’s Lane Kiffin.
Keep in mind, these are a loose set of rules, made up by me off the top of my head. Therefore you should take them to be absolute, irrefutable truth. You should be willing to kill over these pronouncements. If anyone doubts the veracity of these words simply tell them you read them on the internet, ergo meaning they are true.