Instead I was treated to a series of Judge shows. I would like to comment on these but I couldn’t watch any of them for more than about 8 seconds. There were also several variations on Maury and some bald goon who has people on his show to threaten them. I lasted about five seconds on those shows.
But I lasted longer, in some cases in full-on-looking-a-car-crash-mode, watching old shows from the 70s (and some from the 80s). There is no way to make this into a coherent “article” type thing. Mercifully I have no editor here and I can do as I please. SO, below are some disconnected observations on television past.
The Skipper should really have his Captain’s License yanked. And Jesus, where did he hire that Gilligan idiot. He couldn’t be a Walmart greeter today. A three hour tour from a tropical port--which means, at no point, is he more than a hour and a half from his starting point. The man never gets further than 70 or 80 miles from home. He is also in what looks to be a sizable, seaworthy craft and yet he manages to run them aground and maroon them beyond hope of rescue. Not exactlyErnest Shackleton.
And Thurston Howell? If he is so damned rich, why doesn’t he own a boat? Seriously the boat isn’t better than a 55 footer. That is a sizable sum for you and me but some gazillionaire? Chicken feed. I am thinking the Howells are con artists or maybe he is a low-rent pimp.
I am not going to get into the professor and the others. Why the hell are they taking a cruise alone. Losers.
Despite all the freaky shit they see in the Universe Mr. Spock keeps going on about “logic” and reliance on emotion as if some giant dude dressed up like a Greek god has ANYTHING to do with science. In one episode a hot young woman (played by LEE MERIWEATHER) kills the transporter guy. Scotty tells him something is wrong and Spock is all condescending about his being EMOTIONAL. It is a wonder the Vulcans managed to evolve into a bi-pedal species let alone master space travel. Pompous butt-holes, that’s what they are. I like the Klingons a LOT more.
They go on and on about how great the friggin' “Federation” is. In ALL the Star Trek series the Federation seems like some quasi-fascist version of the European Union. Their representatives are always douchebags who want to kill a bunch of people who live inside a giant meteor or take Commander Data apart. Screw the Federation...They suck.
The Addams Family
Carolyn Jones was pretty hot wasn’t she?
This show is so boring I managed to fall asleep, with a broken toe and no pain medication.
Charlies Angels is stupid. Really, really stupid. And it isn’t really sexy or sexist. The men are every bit as stupid and stereotyped as the women. Seriously, who comes off WORSE, the fashionably dressed and tough young women, or the butler-like, sniveling Bosley? In the episode I watched, the Angels are rewarded with a ski vacation and Bosley has to go fix plumbing. HE LAUGHS IT OFF. Personally if I am him, the wrench goes up someone’s ASS. I am going on the ski trip. Or send me to Hawaii to be on Hawaii 5-O, which is a much better show.
Charlie himself seems like a freaky, dirty old man. He is always with some girl who, from his voice, looks young enough to be his granddaughter. Never seeing his face just makes you wonder how deformed the man actually is.
Oh and none of Charlie’s Angels had a giant rack. Not even Cheryl Ladd. So much for the sexist jiggle thing.
How the hell did Jim Rockford survive? He NEVER gets paid. He also gets his ass beat all the time. Sure, he lives in a trailer but it is right on the ocean. I will live in a trailer right near any ocean, any day. If a hurricane comes, I will bring in a new one, what do they cost? Eighty bucks. Still, he really must have some sort of side-gig that offers decent medical.
Family Ties, Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough etc etc.
Why are all the Dad’s wusses on these shows? Seriously. They are always dumb asses until they have to give an uplifting speech to one of their retarded progeny. And why would the kids listen to some jag off who toasts his tie? Or cannot figure out how to start a lawn mower? No wonder all the kids on these shows became hookers and dope fiends.
This show was on for THREE years? And they canceled the Night Stalker after ONE year? I know it was a decade apart but I must conclude people in the 60s were really, really stupid. Of course, I have never seen Celebrity Apprentice or American Idol so it might be possible to make a case for the intellectual acuity of the 60s television audience.
This show “jumped the shark” on the first episode. Oh yeah…you LOVE it! When is the last time you actually watched it? A whole episode, all the way through? Yeah, I thought so, back when you were eight. SO shut the fuck up about it being good. I watched an episode a few days ago. The only thing good about it is Ron Howard went on to direct Cinderella Man which is awesome.
Welcome Back Kotter
I didn’t even watch Welcome Back Kotter and yet I can state, with certainty, that it sucks. If it didn’t what happened to Gabe Kaplan? If you say anything nice about him or Welcome Back Kotter I am going to chain you to a chair and make you watch The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh.
Wow, it sure seems fun to live in the projects in Chicago in the 70s. And the apartments were really spacious! Why the hell was John Amos on this show? Of course he split after a year, no doubt to save his dignity and kick Bruce Willis’ ass. If he had stayed on that show for ONE more episode they never would have cast him in Die Hard II or as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs on The West Wing. Esther Rolle, she is from right near me (Pompano Beach, FL) and was in Cleopatra Jones! These two playing second fiddle to Jimmy Walker?
The funny side of a Nazi POW camp! The only way this show could have been more offensive is if they had set it at Auschwitz and let Bob Crane show his home movies. Seriously, who were the psychopaths who came up with this? This show was on for SIX fucking years too. To add to the pain Werner Klemperer’s dad was a famous conductor who was part Jewish and lived under the Nazis. Read his memoirs and then watch an episode of Hogan’s Heroes. You will have a hard time resisting the urge to throw up.
I cannot go on. I would have to get into Starsky & Hutch (yeah I know, you LOVE that one too, shut the FUCK up before I slap the shit out of you) and the one about the cowboy in NYC. It would be too much for my still fragile foot and my ever fragile vomit reflex. Thank god for today’s sitcoms and dramas. They may suck but none of them suck that bad (except According to Jim).