Patrick Ogle

How many ethnic groups, nationalities, religious groups or people with the same hair color can you think of that get together, once a year and CELEBRATE the stereotypes attached to their group?

Do the Brits get together and act pompous once a year? Do African-Americans tap dance with watermelons? Do Chinese people gather on their New Year to drive poorly and have strong family ties? Do Scots come together to eat disgusting things and be cheap? Do the French, once a year, surrender to the Germans?  

HELL no.  Any of these groups would (except maybe the British who would chuckle at the joke and the Chinese who would be too polite) punch you RIGHT IN THE FACE if you suggested such a thing. But not the one group I am thinking of; full of stories, full of booze and full of shit, the Irish American, once a year pulls out the green plastic hats and the green dye that probably causes cancer or alcoholism and tears it UP.

The dumbass Irish-American’s even let OTHER people dress in green and get drunk on their friggin day? This is a travesty. It is like white people dressing up in minstrel costumes on Martin Luther King Day or African-Americans talking like Speedy Gonzalez on Cinco de Mayo. I say this must stop. St. Patrick’s Day must be returned to what it once was…unfortunately I forget what that was. I think everyone else has as well due to all the green dye we have ingested in our beer over the years.
I think it had something to do with snakes. Maybe potatoes?

Until fairly recently ( a couple of decades at most) the IRISH Irish didn’t much celebrate St Patrick’s Day. At least they didn’t celebrate with the same level of drunken debauchery that their cousins and compatriots across they Atlantic. So the name of the holiday may come from Ireland but it really has fuck-all-nothing to do with Irish-Americans. There is also something even more sinister and disturbing in this celebration.

St. Patrick is NOT Irish-American.

As a matter of fact, he wasn’t even IRISH. He was a ROMAN who lived in Britain who was lucky enough to be kidnapped and spirited away to the Emerald Isle. I do not think this British BASTARD who was dumb enough to get himself captured by the IRISH ( I mean come ON you have to be pretty dumb to let that happen) is an appropriate symbol for the distinguished group who do most of the celebrating; the proud, the senseless, the guys with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish  tattoos who have never graduated high school let alone even driven PAST South Bend. Having a Brit be the symbol of Irish-Americans is like having a statue of a war hero who surrendered to the French or a British Porno star! Irish-Americans funded the IRA blowing UP British things for decades.

I have a more sensible alternative. We should NOT celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Instead we should celebrate Colin Farrell Day. I have never met Colin Farrell but I know people who have. He is REALLY Irish. No one kidnapped HIS ass and dragged him to Ireland. The reports I have heard and stuff I saw on TMZ seem to indicate that he can put them away as well. So to hell with St. Patrick’s Day. From now on we memorize and act out the script for that movie where he’s in a phone booth the whole time (whoever thought that would be a good movie MUST have been loaded) or maybe we dress up like the villain he played in that dumb-ass  Ben Affleck super hero movie. Whatever! We will be so drunk we won’t even remember. No more green rivers!  Rivers of  our own vomit only! No more green beer! Guiness for everyone…

May 31 it is…Happy Colin Farrell Day to all!

Men

1- The ability to pee standing up. While women CAN do this it is not advised in most situations.

2- Women sometimes feel self conscious about the emission of natural gasses. Men are less inhibited.

3- No matter how fat and disgusting they are, men always have a good body image.

4- Can pretend they know how to fix things even when they do not.

5- Help save water by rarely changing, and hence rarely washing, underwear.

6- Without men, the Three Stooges careers would have been lamentably short.

Women. I do not put women SECOND for any symbolic reason (except that GOD did so when he made women out of a rib or so I hear)

1- Less nose hair.

2- Ability to tell which colors “go together.”

3- Understanding that hygiene does not mean “splashing water on armpits at bathroom sink.”

4- Strange, inexplicable ability to watch movies like “The Time Travelers Wife.”

5- Oprah is a woman.

6- Charlie Sheen not a woman.

American political discourse has become quite complicated. It used to be Conservatives versus Liberals. Conservatives were like Barry Goldwater and Liberals were like Humbert Humphrey. Regrettably those simple, comforting days are gone. To help navigate the various ideologies in America today--and I am certainly missing some--I composed the list below.

After reading this you will know all you need to know about the state of politics in the great US of A...

Progressive-

"I am angry. I have been fooled by the President. I thought he was going to shit gold and lead us to Shangri-La in his first year in office. But there is STILL racism and poverty. Boy am I ANGRY. I am never voting again and I am moving to Canada or Europe where EVERYTHING is great and all politicians are HONEST”

Middle of the Road Liberal Sycophant-

“But Obama DOES shit gold!”

Religious Crank Tea Bag Conservative.-

“When Obama talks about the poor he really means the Muslims. He was born in Pakistan and is in league with the Moon People. It says so in the Bible…sssssppppwwwwwssss (rest of quote obscured by drool pouring from mouth)”

Rush Limbaugh Conservative-

“I want the President to fail and Osama bin Laden to be successful, and likely kill thousands, so I can feel superior to my fellow Americans despite my very low I.Q.”

Fiscal Conservative.-

“I am disappointed that taxes for those making more than a million a year have not been abolished. If this were to happen money would trickle down to the underlings. Imagine a rich man pissing into a ditch. Eventually the urine will ‘trickle’ to the scum at the bottom of the ditch. It works like that.”

Socially-Liberal but Fiscally-Conservative-

“I want social programs out the ying yang. I do not, however, want to pay for them.”

Socialist-

“I want social programs out the wazoo. And I want Capitalists to pay for them. Of course we should abolish Capitalism which will leave us with no way to pay for anything. But then we could all hold hands and sing the “Internationale.”

Liberal College Student-

“We should ban all talk about everything I disagree with.”

Conservative College Student-

“Do you think this tie will help me get a job with The Heritage Foundation?”

Northern Liberal-

“Southern Republicans have ruined democracy because…hold on..sorry…have to go…Bill Maher is on.”

Southern Liberal-

(There is no such thing as a Southern Liberal)

Neo-Con-

“It is impossible to socially engineer a society nonetheless we should attack and then reform every other society we find objectionable and rebuild them in our image. That, clearly, will work as the USA is the world hegemon and always will be…ALWAYS….FOREVER .” (covers ears, shouts nonsense so as not to hear any potential retort)

Libertarian –

“The government does not have the right to issue drivers licenses. Or regulate the possession of nuclear arms by private citizens. And I am not wearing any underpants.”

Independent-

“I just don’t want to vote in the primaries.”

Originally published July 1, 2009
1-When the empire builds a planet destroying behemoth they did not call it the “Peace Star” or the “Deterrence Star”. There are no spin doctors in the Star Wars Universe. They call it the DEATH Star. Refreshing candor from the Empire.

2-If you chop someone’s arm off in a bar fight no one gives a shit so long as you leave a nice tip.

3-They are very liberated and unashamed of their bodies. The Wookies run around pretty much butt-naked. In our Puritan Society this is also refreshing (must be especially refreshing on hot planets when you are that hairy). It also sort of reminds me of some of the hairy dudes I have seen at Gay Pride Parades. “We’re HERE, we’re EIGHT FUCKING FEET TALL and we’re QUEER. Get USED to it!”

4-There are no barriers against the handicapped in the Star Wars Universe. Darth Vader had both his legs and one arm lopped off (and was horribly burned) and yet he is the Emperors go-to guy. And what about Jabba the Hut?  Morbidly obese and yet he rules like a king. The Americans with Disabilities Act would be unnecessary in the Star Wars Universe.

5-The bad guys wear some sort of body armor but you can shoot right through it anyway.

6-The evil empire have armies of robots. But they are stupid and really easy to destroy unlike the armies of robots in our universe.

7-They do not have to drink their own recycled sweat and urine. Oh, wait, that is why the Star Wars Universe is better than the Dune Universe. Or come to think of it, why OUR universe is better than the Dune Universe. The Dune Universe sucks.

8-You can wear a cape in the Star Wars Universe without feeling self conscious.

9-You can says shit like “May the Force be with you” and not get punched in the face.

10-There are really tall ethnically offensive characters who prattle on and on about trade treaties…Wait that is a reason why OUR universe is BETTER than the Star Wars Universe. We do not have those things, or we only have them when there is a conference at Davos.

11-After you die you get to come back as a shiny, see-through version of yourself and smile beneficently at your progeny.

12-There is no reality television in the Star Wars Universe.

(originally published June 8, 2009)

1-Do not fire all of your writers and then wonder why fewer people buy your paper.

2-Do not let people comment on articles. They are the same individuals who call talk radio except that they are even more likely to electrocute themselves trying to make toast in the bathtub. Most often their wisdom consists of thinly veiled racist taunts and insults to one anothers sexual habits. This is especially peculiar because they live in their mom's basement, have no sex lives , are typing their comments with greasy fingers and wearing a ribbed wife-beater covered with food stains. At the very least let journalists respond. THAT would be entertaining.  Blogs? Sure why not. Let them comment on the blogs.

3- Do not spend hours in meetings about Search Engine Optimization unless it is just a ploy to seem useful and high tech and save your job. SEO helps you trick traffic onto your site alright but it irritates people who are looking for a specific pastry recipe to keep getting Paul Krugman’s column in the top hits. It is annoying. Get people to come to your site on their OWN for fuck's sake. Like, people who want to read news? This brings us to

4-Stop trying to make your newspaper more appealing to  people who do not read. People who do not read….well…they DO NOT READ. If you want to cater to people who do not read then get into publishing coloring books.

5-Allow reporters to be drunk at work again. This might even convince me to become a “journalist” (when talking about me and “journalism” you always should use quotation marks for emphasis).

6-Stop quoting Rush Limbaugh or anyone like him (left or right). He is a member of the media, not the head of a political party or an expert on anything--except popping pills. If you need a quote from a fat-assed pill popper then call him or, actually, listen to his show since he doesn't give interviews and all the lazy-assed reporters who quote him are really just lifting quotes from his show (As an aside to anyone reading this. If you listen to Limbaugh just kill yourself. This has nothing to do with liberal/conservative stuff. You are an idiot and the world will be slightly less stupid without you). And you "reporters" go do some real reporting and stop regurgitating the wisdom of Limbaugh or Chris Matthews or the guy who used to be on Sports Center.

7-Sell a paper, any paper, to Shaq.

8-Make that opinion writer from the Washington Times learn how to tuck in his shirt before he goes on TV. Or make him do some sit ups or something.

9-Speaking of the Washington Times let Rev. Moon write some editorials if he is still alive. We need some straight up common sense these days. And giant weddings. We need more giant weddings.

10-Never allow celebrities to cover things. Ever. No. Don't. Stop. This is especially true if the celebrity is Sean Penn.

11-Do not let people who are self-styled experts cover what they consider themselves self-styled experts on--unless they are a self-styled expert on midget pornography. That is ok.

12-People care about the design of your paper about as much as they care about someone else's story about a dream they had in middle school. Do not pay a consultant a shitload of money to redesign your newspaper (unless you get a kick-back or a blow job or something out of it.)

13-Hearken back to the old days of journalism when William Randolph Hearst started the Spanish-American War. I suggest a preemptive attack on Canada. The war can be about fish or lumber or the sorry state of the Toronto Raptors organization.

14-More coverage of  John & Kate Plus 8. That is real news and coverage just isn’t readily available anywhere except in YOUR paper.

15-And for GOD’S sake cover the shit out of American Idol.

16-Oh and start making the bulk of online content for subscribers only.