Patrick Ogle

Normally you would not find me opining on fashion. As I type this I am wearing a pair of pants I bought off the sale rack at the Gap for $15 (the ones with a bunch of useless pockets) and an old, long sleeved t-shirt featuring the logo of a band I don’t even like. More frequently I am found wearing jeans I bought at a thrift store for $4 and shirts I have owned for 15 years. This is not going to stop me. 

After watching several guys, at a bar last night, walk by wearing the uniform of the new hipster, I asked two of my friends the same favor; “If I ever wear a rumpled fedora please, PLEASE, punch me right in the face.” I mean it. And the invitation is open to everyone. BAM, right in the face. IN fact I say you should just do it to anyone under the age of 50 who is not a mobster that you see wearing a fedora. If they have on such a hat and an old filling station shirt they are fair game.

I also have started to notice a load of people getting neck tattoos. I am fine with tattoos. It is just that there are certain people who think tattoos are not adornments for their body but for their soul, their lack of personality or anything interesting beneath their inked skin. And to STAND out you cannot get tattoos like everyone else. You cannot focus on the QUALITY of the tattoo artist. No, you need to get tattoos on places where it is generally not done.

Specifically I am annoyed by the increase in neck tattoos. I am not against them per se. But if you have one you better be a bad mo-fo who got it in prison. And it better not be of a flower or a baby duck. It better be barbed wire or some snitch getting shanked.

I am not even going to get in the ever increasing trend of 20-something women and their “chest tattoos”. Time will teach them that lesson without my input.

One last note of things to not do. Men, never wear low rise jeans. Ever.  Maybe if you are a male prostitute but even then I say it is iffy. If any male prostitutes want to contest this issue with me I am fine hearing from you. The rest of the male population--  don’t even think about it.

But beyond my gripes I have something constructive to say here; I want to enumerate some fashion trends that I feel would benefit mankind. Often fashion is just impractical.  Take ironing , for instance. I have never been able to figure out how to iron a dress shirt. They look worse when I am done that they did to begin. It is a pain in the butt and it also takes up time and precious electricity.

I suggest we all, as off tomorrow, roll all our dress shirts up in a fucking BALL and wear them as wrinkled as we can. It can be like all the dumbass teenagers in the past few years who wear pants nine sizes too big (and then try to pull snatch and grab robberies only to face-plant). THIS is a practical fashion.

One we could bring BACK is Don Johnson, Miami Vice era stubble. Why? Because I don’t like to shave. No one does. Screw shaving.

Also Fridays should not be “casual Fridays” but “pantless chaps Fridays” and it should be mandatory. Why? Sometimes I do not need a reason WHY.

I also hate to shine shoes. Generally I buy a pair of shoes and I wear them until they fall apart. Same with boots. I wear the boots til the soles wear through then I throw them in a corner and pretend I will some day have them resoled. Lets, right now, start the no shoe shine trend. No more, I do not care if you step in dog crap. No cleaning the shoes or it is a huge FAUX PAS.

I suspect I have more fashion ideas to come so stay tuned if you want to be part of the “in-crowd.”

1-Will someone please give Gwyneth Paltrow a sandwich?

2-Instead of going to this movie just crash a big-money corporate meeting. They have roughly the same entertainment value (but you get free cocktails at most corporate meetings).

3-Has Sam Rockwell ever been good in anything? (yeah, yeah I didn’t see Moon…but aside from THAT).

4-If you are going to play an ass-whupping secret agent, as does Scarlett Johansson, tone your arms a little. Maybe do one push-up. (she can have half of Gwynneth’s sandwich after that. I am sure she isn’t going to finish it).

5-Why is Samuel L. Jackson in this movie? Ahh I see, to set up ANOTHER movie and to wear an eye patch.

6- Mickey Rourke, obviously immersed himself in his role and is a great comic book villain. Therefore it is a SUPER great idea to keep his screen time to the bare minimum so Sam Rockwell can channel Paul Reiser from Aliens.

7-You can almost hear agents arguing over the background trying to make sure their clients don’t get killed off so they can be in Iron Man 3.

8-Seriously, Mickey Rourke is pretty great.

9-Does Gary Shandling have a pouch under his neck? What does he store in there? Old VHS tapes of The Gary Shandling Show?

10-Really? An Iron Man DJing drunk scene?

11-I actually got up to pee during this movie. I never get up to pee during a movie. I consider it a point of honor.

12-I kept thinking “Robert Downey Jr. really should have won an Oscar for Chaplin” as I squirmed in my seat.

13-Thor? Really?

14-I am charitable about super hero movies. Really, I am.

I applaud the State of Arizona for their new immigration law. Sure, it is so broad that it will stand up about five seconds in front of any sober Federal judge in the country but that is beside the point.

We need to get these horrible foreigners OUT of America. Arizona is just doing what all red blooded, light skinned Americans desire most.

Despite the inevitable appeal, and certain repeal, of this law and likely millions of dollars in costs defending it (paid for by Arizonans and U.S. tax payers) the politicians of Arizona have their hearts in the right place. The police really should be able to demand proof of citizenship from anyone. And we all know the police will ask people of Irish English and Nordic descent for their passports and birth certificates JUST as often as Hispanics and black folks. I mean really? Who would think anything else possible? This is the USA where all men (except gays) are created equal!

There are issues with this law, however.

One problem is that it only applies to Arizona.  Such laws need to be nationwide. Some might say law enforcement might be overwhelmed by the need to even-handedly ask everyone for documentation of citizenship. I have a solution to this; we all should be required, under law, to have our birth certificate tattooed on our arses. That way when a law enforcement office approaches us and demands our proof of citizenship we can just drop our pants.

This is convenient for everyone, except illegal immigrants and cops with weak stomachs.

Police officers could also “profile” (why is that such a bad word! Profiling is good!). Since namby-pamby civil libertarians do not like police profiling minorities in this case they could “reverse-profile”. They could identify those likely to BE American citizens and not hassle them. For instance, anyone who is morbidly obese is likely to be a citizen. They don’t do physical labor and stats show most Americans are gigantic. So if you are five foot five and go over 300 pounds you will not need to get your birth certificate tattooed on your ass. If a cop busts into a house and Fox News is on the television? They apologize and leave. If you are watching Sabado Gigante you should be ready to drop your pants and show your butt-certificate.

But really, when you think of it, even if we eject all the dirty, lazy immigrants who come here for our massive and generous welfare system (and, in some cases, to pursue white women) there will STILL be too many interlopers in the good ole USA.

That is why I am calling for the removal of  anyone whose ancestry is not Native American. If you are not a Cherokee or a Choctaw get on the BOAT and get back over the England. If you are not Sioux or Seminole? Sorry, your visa has expired. Immigrants ruin everything and must be stopped. Write YOUR Congressional Representative TODAY….Let me look mine up..hmm…DAMN! Luis Gutierrez! See immigrants are taking all the good jobs!

I have spent the past week and some change trying to come up with a specific topic to rant on. There has to be ONE single thing that irritates the hell out of me enough for me to make a list or just ramble insanely about.

Seriously.

How hard is it to get me foaming at the mouth? I get angry over tv commercials and old episodes of Star Trek. The problem is, however, that EVERYTHING is irritating me beyond my capacity to focus on any one of them.

First of all I have been obsessed with “respect.” Not respect as normal people see it. You know, how you don’t steal things from your friends and neighbors? How you don’t grope strangers on the bus or fart while at a funeral? Not that sort of respect at all but a the bizarre, mutilated concept that has seemingly permeated segments of our society (and no, as far as I can see this has nothing to do with race at all cause I have seen and read about from all races and every creed  this side of the Druids).

I have been reading a lot about people getting shot, stabbed, beaten and even killed over “disrespect.” Just the other day, in Chicago, an elderly, hard of hearing gentleman was shot because he did not respond to a 21 year old man’s request for…a dollar.

Naturally the disrespected young man had to bust a cap in the old man. His honor and dignity were at stake! I mean here he was, at his job begging like a bum, and along comes an old man who fails to acknowledge or praise him. BAM!  If you cannot get the respect you deserve, as an able bodied, gun-toting young man who CAN get respect? What is this world coming to?

I thought I would make a list up of things you do and do NOT deserve respect for:

 -If you are hanging outside of a fast food restaurant asking people for money anything short of someone actually spitting in your hair is not “disrespectful.” Hell, even spitting in your hair might be a relative sign of respect.

 - If you can successfully shoot an 84 year old man, from less than 10 yards away, you are, by Chicago low-life standards, a very good marksman (usually they accidentally shoot school kids) and are deserving of respect.

-I respect anyone who can actually keep anything from Taco Bell down.

-You do not deserve respect just for being old. If he were alive Mussolini would be very, very old now

But this is as far as could go with this. Something else wormed its way into my head.

The Catholic Church seeped in. How hard is it to find ANYTHING funny about the Catholic Church? All I could think about was the photo of one of the popes during World War II giving the Fascist salute in front of a bunch of Germans. Now, admittedly, those popes were in a bit of a spot…oh and they were Fascists. But even SO, I can cut them a little more slack that the current pope.

As Stalin put it succinctly; “How many divisions has the pope got?” Not-a-one. Yet how many troops does it require to EXHIBIT BASIC DECENCY? What does the Holy Church do when confronted with 40 plus years of abuse of children? It attacks the media like it some football player who got caught with a hooker. It talks about how IT is being attacked after every new piece of evidence.  A group of grown men who wear pointy hats and dresses react with incredulity that SOME PORTION ofa large group of men who forswear sex for their entire lives might have SOMETHING odd about them? I know it is a GIANT leap. But everyone knows they knew. The baffling thing is that there is one, single person who still goes anywhere near a church.

Then, just the other day, they issued a statement ordering bishop to report cases WHERE THE LAW REQUIRES IT and assist authorities. This would totally exonerate the Holy Church if this were 1960. These people actually claim to be the representatives of God on earth?  They better pray he isn’t the pissed off, angry God of the Old Testament or Tiber is going to be full of toads any day now.

To top all THIS off Sarah Palin made comments on Nuclear policy. That is a joke right there but really is she any worse than any of the other commentators out there jabbering and jabbering.  And yet I cannot get any of my OWN jabbering going.

Sarah’s jabbering, somehow, started me thinking about MAD (not the drunk driving thing….but Mutally Assured Destruction) and how it ACTUALLY WORKED.  You don’t think so Brother Love?  So when was that  thermonuclear war? Wasn’t one, was there? No, you didn’t miss it ‘cause you took a really fearsome bong hit.

It never happened.

That led me to try to come up with a list of things that were actually good but had a bad reputation. You know, like Charlie Sheen. Ok. Maybe not Charlie Sheen.

So you can see I have been unfocused. I plan to do my taxes tomorrow. That should give me something else to write about, something I can focus on as my already scant bank account empties.

Today’s news contained a piece on Spirit Airlines. I have never flown on Spirit because some airlines just, irrationally, make me nervous. Admit it. There are “discount” airlines and there are DISCOUNT airlines. Brrr, they SAY airlines cannot penny pinch to the point of making flying into the side of a mountain inevitable but, hey, I remember Value Jet too well. They transported shit that BLEW up to make some extra scratch.

Regardless Spirit jumped to the very head of the class today with the announcement that they would charge $45 for a CARRY on bag. Not extra checked luggage, not if your suitcase is full of 200 pounds of bricks you took from the wreckage of old Yankee Stadium but just an average old carry on.

I figure this doesn’t go far enough. The cash strapped airlines have been letting their customers freeload for far, far too long. They need to start charging for amenities and services.

For instance,  It is very inconvenient for airline employees when a passenger needs to go to the restroom. It should cost something. Taking a pee is NOT a Constitutional right. AND, toilet paper? That costs money. If you need any of that, another $5. If you are an investment banker who craps on a food service cart the rate goes up substantially (for those with short memories, this happened on a United flight a few years back).

Speaking to flight attendants. When you talk to a lawyer you have to pay. When you go to the doctor you pay through the NOSE. So WHY should it be free to ask for a pillow? Or silly questions like “What is that grinding sound?”

There should also be  a mandatory fine for anyone who says or shouts “There’s a MAN ON THE WING OF THE PLANE.”

What about Air?  That air is pumped through the cabin. From now on, you want air, you gotta show the money. I am not saying there would be NO air in the cabin! That would be ridiculous. There should be enough to sustain life but you want more than that? $20.

One of the greatest costs airlines face is fuel. And yet modern airliners are capable of flying for great distances without their engines. A few years ago a plane bound for France lost ALL of its engines and managed to land safely hundreds of miles away. From now on, about half way through any flight, the engines go off for an hour or so.

The idea that you are entitled to an actual SEAT is also preposterous. Do you have any idea how many more people you could fit on a “standing room only” aircraft?  Turbulence danger? Just tie everyone’s feet to the floor. They can also wear helmets (for a fee).

Passengers have been treated to a magnificent flying experience for years but let’s face it; passengers are ANNNOYING. They should have to pay for the flight crew NOT spitting in their hair as they board the aircraft.

And finally, back to Value Jet, passengers should also have to pony up cash if they want to be sure the airplane isn’t transporting used oxygen canisters or unexploded ordinance. It is only fair as times ARE tough.

Some time in the making Mapanare.us is a site on various aspects of culture that I put together. It went live today.

I have a LOAD of news stuff to put up here demonstrating both the decay of society and my prefrontal LOBE...I am even going to add a new section to this with some previously published humor next week!

Hugs!

Patrick

I started to write an piece on all the stupid things Republicans are saying (and doing) with regard to the new Health Care Law. I am not partial to either party really. I see, as most people do, a veneer of idiocy painted over both donkey and elephant that is disturbing.

That is why I couldn’t get it together to write something FUNNY on the subject. It was depressing to me, this lack of intelligent debate. It was like trying to write something funny about a guy strangling a sack full of puppies.  "There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year."

 These words came out of the mouth of the latest Republican nominee for the Presidency. In a related move he said he is taking his ball and going home.  There was a second sentence to this. I think it began; “Nanny, nanny boo boo…”

 " America has just witnessed an unconscionable abuse of power. President Obama has betrayed his oath to the nation -- rather than bringing us together, ushering in a new kind of politics, and rising above raw partisanship, he has succumbed to the lowest denominator of incumbent power: justifying the means by extolling the ends."

 These words issued from the maw of the former governor of Massachussets, Mitt Romney. Now another conservative, former Bush speechwriter, David Frum, opined:

 “Could a deal have been reached? Who knows? But we do know that the gap between this plan and traditional Republican ideas is not very big. The Obama plan has a broad family resemblance to Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts plan….” 

 No wonder none of the other 2008 Republicans wanted to pee next to Romney—not when this sort of dribble comes out of him. (This info comes from the un-sourced best seller, Game Change btw).

 So you see my conundrum. I promised to write something funny on the subject but isn’t this more distressing than a guy strangling puppies?  And forget about the words. Let us get into some actions.

 “Last night, against the will of the American people, liberals passed a bill to take over our health care system.  This partisan bill – which was passed without the support of a single Republican – violates the constitution and disrespects the legislative process,” said Vitter.  “That’s why the first thing I did when Senate went back into session today was file legislation to repeal this government takeover of health care.  This bill is unconstitutional, and the American people won’t stand for it.  And I will do everything in my power to reverse the damage.”

 In a related note, Vitter is also taking his ball and going home. Seriously, they are acting like they had NO CHANCE to have any input.  The aforementioned Mr. Frum notes that the current bill resembles suggestions put forward in the 90s (to counter “Clinton Care”) by the HERITAGE FOUNDATION. My LORD, those commie liberal bastards at the Heritage Foundation advocate violating the constitution and dissin’ the legislative process.

 See! Nothing funny yet. Therefore I turned to a sure fire fountain of humor.

Michelle Bachman apparently has introduced legislation (or said she would) in the House. I searched for a quote from Bachman. I love her. Her quotes are the stuff of legend. She makes Ross Perot and his “black-panthers-are-gonna-disrupt-my-daughter’s-weddin’” comments look lucid. How did this woman get elected? Seriously. There are some idiots, left and right, in the Congress but Bachman? Really? PLEASE, someone, give me a coherent defense of Rep. Bachman  Add to this all the tea bagging going on.  

After a number of Tea Baggers (I know, after someone realized what that CONNOTATES they stopped using the term…but come on, it is hilarious that people applied the term TO THEMSELVES so I am going to continue to use it) went out to protest the Health Care Bill. What they wound up doing instead was calling people “niggers” and “faggots.”  Now this isn’t the WHOLE group and who knows about how pervasive these taunts were. I wasn’t there. BUT this whole movement looks a little, shall we say, PALE to be considered broad based. In fact it looks about as white and old as a the audience at a Neil Diamond concert. Every whack job “I-used-to-be-in-a-militia” nimrod is the country is out and baggin’ it seems. The angry white man, with just a truckload of angst. when he sees all these brown people is wondering what fresh hell is on the horizon. Next thing you know their kids are gonna be listening to RAP music…oh…wait…. 

Minority Leader John Boehner tried to counter this outpouring of bigotry. But his choice of admonishments made me cringe. He told Republicans to “Behave like grown ups”. What is more “grown-up” than out and out racism! It isn’t like the Ku Klux Klan was started at a day care center. I am fairly sure Adolph Hitler was a grown up when he wrote Mein Kampf. Ergot a more correct admonition would have been; “For the LOVE OF GOD, stop being a bunch of racist fucks. You are making our party look like the party of Strom Thurmond. Oh…Wait…” 

Boehner then proceeded to give a speech full of insightful, thoughtful rhetoric such as a spirited cry of "Hell no!" I think he also made some sort of stiff armed salute and jutted out his lower jaw.  

One thing we don’t often think of is the cost of the raft of silly, unpassable legislation put forward by Congress members to pander to a small group of adherents. It is what Dennis Kucinich has made his career on-- “Give Baby Seals The Vote Bill” or similar gibberish)  In this case the likes of Vitter and Bachman (and I am sure Sen. Vitter might punch me in the face for including him in the same sentence with Rep. Bachman) are putting forward legislation to repeal the law just approved. So more time and money --all bills cost us money, even doomed ones--wasted on grandstanding. 

I have a suggestion. When a member of Congress puts forward a ludicrous bill, with no chance of passing, they should have to pay the cost of that bill out of their pocket. Either that or they should have to work off the full amount working in the Congressional cafeteria.  Or they have to wash tourist’s cars at $5 a pop until the debt is paid back.  THEN I get to another issue—symbols. I wish to ban the use of the “Don’t Tred on Me” flag by Fascists. I just do not want to see that flag unfurled by unrepentant racists, malcontented militias and apparently unbalanced members of the US Congress unaware that they, themselves, are not outsiders but, respectively,  members of  a very exclusive group of clubs:  nitwits, crack pots and another, more exclusive fraternity (and the term is used intentionally in all its connotations), currently with 435 members. Instead they can use whatever symbol Mussolini used in the 30s. I think it was a bundle of sticks.

Even worse, politicians from the past are chiming in. 

Newt Gingrich (will someone pound a stake through this guy’ heart, fill his mouth with garlic and then sew it up please) stated that Democrats had (and I do not have an exact quote here) destroyed their party like Lyndon Johnson did with the enactment of civil rights legislation in the 1960s.  No word on whether he started chanting any Tea Party-esque things at that point of if he was just making the sage observations of the sort that “elder statesmen” are prone to make. Likewise no word on whether he had a bundle of sticks under his arm. 

When I think of Gingrich I still cannot get past the man serving his now ex-wife with divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer.  It is somewhat apropos he is commenting here on health care. Can’t these disgraced buffoons just go away (and yes, I will say the same thing about Charles Rangel at some point when I take a hatchet to the Democrats).  I was going to get into what the entertainment industry (once known as the “news” industry) pundits said but it made my head hurt far, far too much. See what I mean? Hard to make funny. Maybe I should done something about the Pope. That guy is a laugh riot.

 

 

 

Recently I injured my foot. This is not scintillating information, in and of itself, but it did lead to me sitting in front of the television during the daytime. I do not have cable television, mind you, so no endless reruns of Law & Order for me. Nor was CNN there to spin the same news story over and over until even Anderson Cooper cannot get faux-indignant anymore. I do not watch Fox, especially not with a throbbing foot, as  I find Fox increases various throbbings in me and none of it ever seems to be a good sort of throbbing.

Instead I was treated to a series of Judge shows. I would like to comment on these but I couldn’t watch any of them for more than about 8 seconds. There were also several variations on Maury and some bald goon who has people on his show to threaten them. I lasted about five seconds on those shows.

But I lasted longer, in some cases in full-on-looking-a-car-crash-mode, watching old shows from the 70s (and some from the 80s). There is no way to make this into a coherent “article” type thing. Mercifully I have no editor here and I can do as I please. SO, below are some disconnected observations on television past.

Gilligan’s Island

The Skipper should really have his Captain’s License yanked. And Jesus, where did he hire that Gilligan idiot. He couldn’t be a Walmart greeter today.  A three hour tour from a tropical port--which means, at no point, is he more than a hour and a half from his starting point.  The man never gets further than 70 or 80 miles from home. He is also in what looks to be a sizable, seaworthy craft and yet he manages to run them aground and maroon them beyond hope of rescue. Not exactlyErnest Shackleton.

And Thurston Howell? If he is so damned rich, why doesn’t he own a boat? Seriously the boat isn’t better than a 55 footer. That is a sizable sum for you and me but some gazillionaire? Chicken feed. I am thinking the Howells are con artists or maybe he is a low-rent pimp.

I am not going to get into the professor and the others. Why the hell are they taking a cruise alone. Losers.

Star Trek

Despite all the freaky shit they see in the Universe Mr. Spock keeps going on about “logic” and reliance on  emotion as if some giant dude dressed up like a Greek god has ANYTHING to do with science. In one episode a hot young woman (played by LEE MERIWEATHER) kills the transporter guy. Scotty tells him something is wrong and Spock is all condescending about his being EMOTIONAL. It is a wonder the Vulcans managed to evolve into a bi-pedal species let alone master space travel. Pompous butt-holes, that’s what they are. I like the Klingons a LOT more.

They go on and on about how great the friggin' “Federation” is. In ALL the Star Trek series the Federation seems like some quasi-fascist version of the European Union. Their representatives are always douchebags who want to kill a bunch of people who live inside a giant meteor or take Commander Data apart. Screw the Federation...They suck.

The Addams Family

Carolyn Jones was pretty hot wasn’t she?

Police Women

This show is so boring I managed to fall asleep, with a broken toe and no pain medication.

Charlies Angels

Charlies Angels is stupid. Really, really stupid. And it isn’t really sexy or sexist. The men are every bit as stupid and stereotyped as the women. Seriously, who comes off WORSE, the fashionably dressed and tough young women, or the butler-like, sniveling Bosley? In the episode I watched, the Angels are rewarded with a ski vacation and Bosley has to go fix plumbing.  HE LAUGHS IT OFF. Personally if I am him, the wrench goes up someone’s ASS. I am going on the ski trip. Or send me to Hawaii to be on Hawaii 5-O, which is a much better show.

Charlie himself seems like a freaky, dirty old man. He is always with some girl who, from his voice, looks young enough to be his granddaughter. Never seeing his face just makes you wonder how deformed the man actually is.

Oh and none of Charlie’s Angels had a giant rack. Not even Cheryl Ladd.  So much for the sexist jiggle thing.

Rockford Files

How the hell did Jim Rockford survive? He NEVER gets paid. He also gets his ass beat all the time. Sure, he lives in a trailer but it is right on the ocean. I will live in a trailer right near any ocean, any day. If a hurricane comes, I will bring in a new one, what do they cost? Eighty bucks. Still, he really must have some sort of side-gig that offers decent medical.

Family Ties, Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough etc etc.

Why are all the Dad’s wusses on these shows? Seriously. They are always dumb asses until they have to give an uplifting speech to one of their retarded progeny. And why would the kids listen to some jag off who toasts his tie? Or cannot figure out how to start a lawn mower?  No wonder all the kids on these shows became hookers and dope fiends.

The Munsters

This show was on for THREE years? And they canceled the Night Stalker after ONE year? I know it was a decade apart but I must conclude people in the 60s were really, really stupid. Of course, I have never seen Celebrity Apprentice or American Idol so it might be possible to make a case for the intellectual acuity of the 60s television audience.

Happy Days

This show “jumped the shark” on the first episode. Oh yeah…you LOVE it! When is the last time you actually watched it? A whole episode, all the way through? Yeah, I thought so, back when you were eight. SO shut the fuck up about it being good. I watched an episode a few days ago. The only thing good about it is Ron Howard went on to direct Cinderella Man which is awesome.

Welcome Back Kotter

 I didn’t even watch Welcome Back Kotter and yet I can state, with certainty, that it sucks. If it didn’t what happened to Gabe Kaplan? If you say anything nice about him or Welcome Back Kotter I am going to chain you to a chair and make you watch The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh.

Good Times

Wow, it sure seems fun to live in the projects in Chicago in the 70s. And the apartments were really spacious! Why  the hell was John Amos on this show? Of course he split after a year, no doubt to save his dignity and kick Bruce Willis’ ass. If he had stayed on that show for ONE more episode they never would have cast him in Die Hard II or as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs on The West Wing. Esther Rolle,  she is from right near me (Pompano Beach, FL) and was in Cleopatra Jones! These two playing second fiddle to Jimmy Walker?

Hogan’s Heroes

The funny side of a Nazi POW camp! The only way this show could have been more offensive is if they had set it at Auschwitz and let Bob Crane show his home movies. Seriously, who were the psychopaths who came up with this?  This show was on for SIX fucking years too. To add to the pain Werner Klemperer’s dad was a famous conductor who was part Jewish and lived under the Nazis. Read his memoirs and then watch an episode of Hogan’s Heroes. You will have a hard time resisting the urge to throw up.

I cannot go on. I would have to get into Starsky & Hutch (yeah I know, you LOVE that one too, shut the FUCK up before I slap the shit out of you) and the one about the cowboy in NYC. It would be too much for my still fragile foot and my ever fragile vomit reflex. Thank god for today’s sitcoms and dramas. They may suck but none of them suck that bad (except According to Jim).

 

We need to undo all the cultural damage done by the co-opted Romano-Britain Holiday, known as St. Patrick’s Day. Initially I was a fan of the day because I believed St. Patrick invented whiskey. Apparently he did not. Ergot I will no longer celebrate this holiday and I am changing my name to Yousouff (or Sean…I haven’t decided yet).

First thing we need to do is reintroduce poisonous snakes to Ireland. Every tourist should bring a cobra with them and turn it loose.

Next, go to the Irish part of your city on St. Pat’s Day, preferably a part full of folks really militant about their Irishness and do not wear GREEN. Wear an orange jumpsuit and a bowler hat. Don’t worry. You will not have any problems. If you are in Chicago you could have done this at the South Side Irish Parade but that was wisely canceled. Still, you can always wander around the streets in your Orange jumpsuit and bowler shouting “Bully!”

Next thing we need to do is stop the supply of green plastic hats. Somewhere in the world via some Al Queda-like network of terrorists plastic is being molded into these heinous, vomit-catching devices. The allure of these handsome fashion accessories is one of the reasons for the popularity of St. Patrick’s Day. If you see someone wearing such a hat drag them into an alley and pull out their fingernails until they tell you where they got it.

In some areas of the country St. Patrick’s Day is barely celebrated. I grew up in South Florida. On March 17 there is nary a green beer in sight. Why not? Immigrants from Latin America.  Most of these folks have come here legally which means they are just not coming FAST enough. I recommend you go to the Latin American nation of your choice and bring back anyone who wishes to come. I think Mexico is a good choice because Cinco de Mayo is an awesome holiday. It is about whupping France’s ass. I am also sure Chile has a Bernardo O’Higgins Day. He wasn’t Romano-Englishman; he was all Irish and helped the Chileans get rid of Spain.

Another reason to stop St. Patrick’s Day; Jameson’s Whisky is disgusting. I bet Bernardo O’Higgins didn’t drink that piss. Just say NO to Jameson’s. I know this particular point offers no real suggestion on ending St. Patrick’s Day. It is just a public service for drunks.